A WEEKEND AWAY

Since our anniversary was muddied with pre-chemo anxiety, and my birthday will be cloaked in Chemo #2 steroidal side effects, D and I decided to get away this weekend while the "feeling good" lasts!! We found a beautiful old Victorian B&B in a small town between here and Omaha, and I just happened to have a stay one night/get one free coupon from American Historic Inns that they are going to accept!! It is supposed to be gorgeous Saturday, so we are hoping to scout out some apple/pumpkin festivals in these small towns, check out the Loess Hills Scenic Highway, and we may even go into Omaha to the zoo if the winds pull us that direction. It will be great to get away.

So far no hair loss, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. The cumulative effect of the chemo sometimes promotes hair loss in one of the later cycles. ACS sends people gift cards for scarves and wigs to be used on their web site, so I am ready to order if I need to.

I may have been watching a little too much Chilean television the past 72 hours (I mean, you did not have tears rolling down your face at the miracle of that rescue operation??) but I feel like saying mucho gracias to dear friends Angie and Chris, who surprised us with warm pumpkin pie and warm banana bread, respectively, this week!! We so appreciate your thoughtfulness. And Jeanne, your gift means the world to me. I read it multiple times daily and let the words settle deep inside me. Annie and Mae, thank you for pestering your oncology co-workers with questions on my behalf this week....I feel as if I have a personal medical corps at my fingertips!! Love you all.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him. I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He  will call upon me and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With LONG LIFE I will satisy him, and show him my salvation.     

                                                           Psalm 91:14-16

I'LL TAKE "THE USUAL"

I was channel surfing on the DVR menu this past weekend and I ran across the Hallmark movie, The Magic of Ordinary Days, starring Keri Russell. It had already started, but after reading the synopsis of the film, I made a mental post-it note to watch the entire thing if it was broadcast again.

The title of the movie triggered my muse and spoke to my soul. Hmmm. Ordinary days……

I talk to God a lot when I walk my 2 miles every day. On more than one occasion, I have explained to God how I would answer Him if He were to audibly ask me why I wanted my life spared. It would be something along these lines: I want to serve You and Your people here on earth with my whole being, and I want more time to simply love my family.

And now I know I would add a final clause to my answer……to simply love my family within the magic of ordinary days.

Since day one of this cancer diagnosis, when I felt utterly hopeless, I have dared to ask myself how I would want to live out the remainder of my days. Would I want to travel the world? Visit all my friends around the country?Would I want to remodel the very outdated bathroom in our house? Have lots of parties or cash in my retirement IRA and spend it? A legit question, methinks.

I can answer it. There is only one way I want to live out my days, whether that is 5 years or 30 years. I want ordinary days. I want the familiarity and mundane routine of “ordinary and usual.” I want time to wake up next to my husband and rub his head, do my Hy-Vee shopping, have lunch with D on our old pedestal dining table, check on my elderly neighbor, take my walk, play a little piano and write some emails, clean my kitchen, call my boy, do loads of laundry, make dinner and cozy-in with a quilt and watch a movie. I want ordinary days.

Cancer teaches you the value of these days. A day without excess or fear or chaos. No highs, no lows. No drama, no hitting any emotional or circumstantial jackpots. A day with immense possibility for simplicity. A day open to love and service.

I think I took these days for granted. I was always looking ahead to where we might go on spring break, or what day we might leave for the cabin or what projects we needed to accomplish around the house in the upcoming season. I was always a step ahead of life. That was me. It is me no longer. I have found yet another treasure in darkness. The magic of an ordinary day.

Cancer has taught me many things. But this lesson is perhaps the most tangible and relevant. I have gleaned how I believe God wants me to live the days He has ordained for me……I will be grateful for my simple small-town life on a Missouri River bluff where I am deeply cared about by my church family, friends, and co-workers, and where I am loved beyond measure by my family. I will delight in giving back what has been given to me, and I will treasure the gift of each very ordinary day.

TOUGH COUPLE OF DAYS

I don't know if there is rhyme and reason with chemo, and if every treatment is similiar to the one before it, but if so, then days 3 and 4 are the really tough ones. I can not adequately describe the side effects of those days. Coming down off huge doses of steroids after not sleeping for 3 nights gave me a grave "downer," complete with feeling emotionally very low, exhausted, very jittery and as if I was in a bubble. My sensory systems were all impaired, probably due to the very real "chemo brain" that I was warned about. You can't focus and you can't track as well. Add that to the steroid jitters and queasiness, and you have a couple bad days.

I was so grateful Margie was here when I reached the moment of saying, "I can't do this." She held me while I cried through it and gave me a compassionate, loving, and firm "lecture" about how I AM already doing it, and set me back on my fragile path. Her support and love for the 3 days she was here was irreplaceable. I will never be able to thank her enough for all she did physically and emotionally for our family.

Day 5, today, has seen glimpses of improvement. The jitters are less, the 'bubble" is starting to weaken, and I have only had to take 1 nausea pill today. I am sleeping better too. Other than a case of constipation (which is an expected side effect and one that seemed so inconsequential the past few days that I wasn't even paying attention), I am fairing better today and if this upswing continues, I am counting on feeling more like "me" sometime this week. What a blessing that would be!!

I am grateful for no vomiting. SO grateful, you have no idea. Because vomiting means not eating, and not eating means lost weight, which I cannot afford. Never did I consider that in my lifetime I would have profound gratitude for not hurling!!!

D and S (who was home for 5 days and it was so great to be together) brought the Total Gym from downstairs to the living room for me so I can get on a good exercise program, and can watch TV or a movie while doing so. Yeah, it looks a bit like Curves in our living room and the thing is twice as big as it looked downstairs, BUT until a Christmas tree needs to come in, we will keep it up here.

My next "hurdle" will be blood counts, taken on the 19th. If the CBC shows plummeting levels, chemo could be delayed, which is never good. Please pray this week that my white and red blood cells are staying strong, multiplying, dancing, exploding with endurance and NOT being killed by the chemo!!  Thank you for the answered prayers for few side effects. They could have been so much worse! Though I have had some, I managed them and persevered through them, and THAT is the answered prayer!

OH, THESE STEROIDS!

I am two days post-chemo and fairing pretty well. Had some queasiness today, took my meds and kept it to a point where I could still eat. The steroids I had to take for 3 days have been tough. Slept 3 hours the first night, had only 45 minutes of sleep the night of chemo, and last night I only got about 4 hours, so I am physically wiped out and tired by my body's standards, but the steroids keep your mind on "GO" and you feel buzzed. Tried twice today to take a nap, but could not doze off. My sis has been pushing me to drink water to flush the steroids out a bit faster, but I have a feeling I may have another tough couple nights. The dosage was quite high.

My beautiful sister Margie is here from Fargo, taking charge and just hanging out with me. S is home too and he loves that she is here (she is a rock-star auntie!). Margie and I so wish we lived in the same city! We are so grateful that she made the trip down to be with me in case the side effects went very south. Praise God.....everything so far has been manageable. I JUST NEED SLEEP!!

Thanks for JoLynne and Kim for great meals the past two days. Not having to think about meal planning is just such an amazing gift to our family. Thank you for continued prayer that side effects would continue to wane over the next few days, and that I might have 2 "normal" weeks before the next treatment.

ONE DOWN, FIVE TO GO

#1 is OVER!! Chemo went very well. The infusion center was really comfortable. Very spacious room with wood floors and a fireplace, comfy recliners in private curtained areas spaced far apart, your own TV, family chairs, and super-nice infusion nurses. This first time I was hooked up for almost 3 hours. Next time they will be adding a dose of Zometa (for my bones) which will add another 1/2 hour, but still very manageable time-wise.

D studied lecture notes and listened to Spanish tapes (he is going to the Dominican Republic in March to supervise PT students from USD and Creighton and treat patients). I spent time reading my Bible and devotional and then took out my MP3 player and went through some very good guided imagery/affirmation podcasts that Anna sent me from Kaiser. I finished out the treatment with some Allison Krause, The Canadian Tenors, and Selah......and it was time to (literally) RUN to the bathroom before I left a trail across the floor. It was worse than the worst pregnancy-induced urgency you've ever had. I should have taken a break half-way through, but didn't need to go then, but boy oh boy, I learned my lesson!!

The first set of side effects, if I have them, will start tomorrow and last 3-4 days. The next set will appear days 7-10 and this is when my white and red blood counts, as well as my platelets could plummet, requiring more shots, and a possible hold on the next chemo treatment. As the doctor was telling me this, I was saying to myself, but you don't know my God.....I believe He will protect those cells and that any dips will be minor.

I will be taking anti-nausea drugs prophylactically starting in the morning, so I am hoping that will keep me eating for the next few days! I actually would welcome the side effect of fatigue. I had to take powerful steroids yesterday, today and tomorrow, and they do not let you sleep! I got only 3 hours last night and a 50-minute nap this afternoon. It is likely that the next 2 nights will be sleep-free as well. This is to be expected on this drug. By Thursday I hope I can crash. I think tonight I will just stay up til 4 and read rather than toss and turn in bed:)

Your prayers were feathers on my back today. Thank you so much for praying. The day went so much better than I ever thought it would. God is so good.

Psalm 107:19 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent forth His word and HEALED them, and rescued them from the grave. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love.

CHEMO ON TUESDAY MORNING

A VERY NICE WEEKEND,

SOME RELIEVING NEWS,

AND OFF TO CHEMO TUESDAY

IN MY RUBY RED SHOES 

I had to show you my "ruby slippers" sent by my niece Annie, who tells me that I need 3 things to navigate through cancer treatment: the mind of the Scarecrow, the heart of the Tin Man, the courage of the Lion, and my ruby slippers.....to remind me that I, like Dorothy, have had the power inside of me all along to travel this winding yellow brick road of chemotherapy and find my way home to health. (Plus, I have GOD, and Dorothy didn't!!) 

Yesterday morning I felt anxious because I was feeling some discomfort on my left chest wall. Immediately my mind went to its worry center and I started wondering if the tumor had grown and I was now feeling it. It has, after all, been 8 long weeks of diagnosis and testing (which should have been only about 3 if the biopsies had produced enough tissue in the first place). Within minutes, the phone rang and it was my doctor. She had just stopped by her office on Saturday morning and saw my test results and thought I might want to know that the tumor was unchanged. It has NOT grown. Major relief!!

S came home for an overnight. We love it that he is close enough to do this. He will be home for almost 4 days for his fall break, and we can't wait. Had a wonderful visit from friends Larry and Cindy to end the weekend.

So....Tuesday is C-Day! Am I apprehensive? Yep. I am. The ol' fear-of-the-unknown creeps in. I will be so glad to get this first round of chemo out of the way so I will know exactly what to expect in further treatments (once every 3 weeks). D will be there with me, which means so much. My sister-in-law, my sister in heart, my sister Margie is coming from Fargo on Wednesday to be here with me for a couple days after round 1. She is caregiver extraordinaire with a compassionate heart beyond measure and she is one of my major anti-cancer prayer warriors. I am blessed that she wants to be here!

My prayer requests are pretty much down to the cellular level tonight.

1) That God would protect my healthy cells as the chemo flows through my veins, and that the chemo would only target the cancer cells, keeping my immune system in check.

2) That my white blood cell count would remain stable so that infection doesn't set in (to my wonderful church family: I won't be shaking any hands in church for a while to keep germs at bay)!

3) That I would have few side effects, and that any would be manageable with meds.

4) That I would gain back the 4 pounds I have lost due to stress, and that my appetite would increase. I need calories right now, but I have always had a super active metabolism and weight gain is tough. 

5) Please pray also that God might use me in the infusion center to give a word of hope or encouragement to someone who needs one.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for praying!

I feel so bathed in God's mercy and grace and peace tonight. I am so thankful that He has brought me to this place from the agonizing pool of grief and sorrow and hopelessness that I felt 8 weeks ago. I feel His love sustaining me on an hourly basis. And I continue to thank Him for the healing I believe He will do/is already doing in my body.

Psalm 119:49   Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me HOPE. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your PROMISE preserves my LIFE!!!

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

Before D and I went to sleep last night, we held hands and prayed for more wedding anniversaries to celebrate. For 27 years, we have traversed that universal marital highway called FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE. With all the trials that life has thrown at us, we have faced them together and stood strong. And now, as the highway has veered off onto IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, we continue to travel step-in-step, our cadence measured by faith, determination and trust in God and each other. After 27 years, you understand full well that it is not what challenges you face that make or break marriages, but who you have chosen to face them with. I chose the best.

I love you past the moon, Babe. Our 28th will be even sweeter.