NOTHING CHANGED

Jesus is walking on water out to his disciples’ boat (Matthew 14:25-31). They thought it was a ghost and they were terrified. Jesus said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “Tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Peter took his eyes off Jesus and began to sink. He got distracted by wind, probably looked around and up and down, and took his eyes off the source of the power that was letting him do the miraculous.

Peter’s story was my story yesterday. Had I posted something yesterday, you would have heard the bubbles arising from the surface of the water where I had gone under. I heard news I did not want to hear, it violated my sense of trust and I took my eyes off Jesus. My eyes were fixed on a computer screen showing me that bright yellow spot full of rapidly replicating cancer cells. My eyes should have been fixed on Jesus.

My PET results showed only a very slight increase in the size of my lung tumor, but it did show a significant increase (from 6.2 to 9.6) in cancer cell activity. From a medical point of view, this means the tumor is adapting to the chemo.

I came to the doctor’s appointment with my own agenda. Surely the Lord sees how weary I am of this. Surely His timing for healing is now. Surely He wants His glory to be known as my Healer NOW. Right, Lord? 

Do not try to schedule your God’s miracles.

What next? I was unable to tolerate the original double dosage which is the protocol for this drug, so I have been taking half the dosage. They are going to have me try the double dosage once again. If I can’t do it, I can’t. I cannot not eat, which happened originally. The nausea was too severe. There are a couple clinical trials somewhere in the country where new drugs are being experimented with. My doc will look into those. I left with my heart shattered.

Tears are good. I shed a quart or two over the next hours. My poor son, who I had not seen in 6 days was home when we got home from the city and I spent my first hour with him crying. But by the end of the night I had collected myself, listened to my husband and son's sage words of spiritual insight, and went to bed. And during the night, the Holy Spirit whispered truth in my ear. WHAT HAD CHANGED? (Which was the first thing Dick said to me outside the doctor’s office on the way to the car, but I didn’t have ears to hear it yet).

This morning, my heart had to do a major re-set, but it did just that. Nothing has changed except the science, which in the life of a Christian with faith in God’s promises, means N.O.T.H.I.N.G! Did I think God could not zap a million cancer cells as easily as 100,000 cancer cells? Did I think that computer screen had some sort of trump card over God’s power to heal? Nothing has changed! Just because God does not manifest my healing in MY time frame means only that I am an impatient Type A-let’s-get-this-thing-done kind of gal who took HER agenda to the meeting and forgot that the CEO’s agenda is the only one that matters. God is still on the throne, not surprised by anything that happened yesterday. Loving me, extending His grace in my wavering moments as He continues to write my story.

Then, after lunch today, I went out for my walk, and I was filled this glorious anger at satan. I basically said to him, “You know what, you piece of slime? If you think adding more cancer cells to my lesion is going to make me turn away from faith in God’s promises, you are sorely mistaken. You are dealing with the wrong person, you scum-bag. Bring it on, small-guy. Give me your best shot. Double the tumor size. Double the uptake. I don’t give a rip what you try. BRING IT ON. I have an army of angels protecting me and I have the heavenly arsenal of a mighty Savior at my disposal. In the name of Jesus, I have all power and authority over you. Just try me, bub. I’m ready.”

A little righteous anger can sure energize a girl.

God doesn’t need double dose chemo to heal me. I will try it, and if it doesn’t work, I will not sweat it. I have his promises straight from scripture. That is where I park my soul. I may or may not try a clinical trial. We will see. I have my inner circle of supporters who walk this path with me, and understand my confidence. Many others will be rolling their eyes at my “cavalier foolishness.” So be it.

Sam left for a trip to Milwaukee this morning. He kissed and hugged me goodbye and looked at me and said, “Mom. Just let God do His thing. You are God’s tool. He is not your tool.”

Oh, Sam, you got that right. I am His tool. He did not give me cancer, but He can use it if He needs to. He uses his followers for His purposes, and for however long it takes for His promise to be made “evident” to human eyes, I will put myself in His hands to be used for His glory.