DECISION MADE

My decision as to what option to take was actually made for me, and I think it is the best one. I called my Denver doctor's staff to set up a remote conference with him, and they never did get back to me. I don't know if my note was lost or if God's hand made it  disappear, but that week of waiting gave me discernment. I knew I was supposed to go back on the chemo that I was taking before I took the drug holiday.

My SF doc wants to re-scan me (read: dread and sighing) in 2 months and see what this chemo is doing. If the new tumors are increasing, we will have to either go up in dosage or try the brand new targeted therapy for my type of cancer. Or I will need to have the radiation again to the brain which makes me quake with the thoughts of needing steroids afterwards again. I believe I would consult my University of Colorado doctor. He is a world -renowned expert in my strain of cancer.

I keep reminding myself that God has the final word. Not drugs or radiation. I keep my eyes on Him and His Word.

We have been in the polar vortex like the rest of the midwest and east coast. Yesterday we had 45-below (wind chill temp) which I realize is warm compared to northern MN temps which got down to 64-below. Our little cabin is creaking and shivering. I am sure that the lake has frozen clear to its bottom and that ice won't be off the lake til well after fishing opener. 

We have been pretty much inside for 3 days. The whole town pretty much closed down for Tuesday and Wednesday. Today is 6 degrees and we had to get to Walmart for groceries. We were out of nearly everything. By Saturday, it should be 40!!! Break out the cut-offs.

We are still prayerfully waiting for a condo unit for Gretchen and Sam in Florida the same week that we are there. But few people have released their units for rental. I will feel so sad if they can't come.....they make Florida vacations so much more fun.  I will get on next year's waiting list this month. A year in advance puts me pretty close to the top of the waiting list. Sun and warmth can't come soon enough for me.

We have a new baby in the family. Margaux Bea was born to my niece Betsy (Mike's youngest daughter) and her husband Michael about a month ago. Can't wait to meet her. Wish we didn't live 9 hours apart.

I hope you all survived the past week without frostbite and a greater sense of gratitude for being able to afford the gas/oil to heat your warm homes.

SCANS

The results of my lung and brain scans were mixed. From the neck down, little has changed except for more fluid around my lung (it is already about 2 qts I'm carrying around) and the fact that my lung is getting smaller and has a tough cancerous rind around it so it could never descend into the lung cavity even if I had an effusion.

The three brain tumors n my brain all grew in these 2 months off chemo. There is even a new one bigger than the previous 3. One doubled in size and 2 went up about 2/3 as big. This is not great news. I had been hoping God would show His hand while I was off my chemo so he would have ALL the glory for healing.

I am faced with two options. Go under radiation again to get those tumors....which freaks me because of the steroids I would need afterward. It was the steroid use after my first round of brain radiation that ruined by body permanently. Pain and weakness in all my muscles, vertigo, imbalances, no appetite. I can hardly listen to this option. The other is to start up again on the same chemo I have been on for several months.

I pray for discernment about what to do. I want to hear God clearly in my spirit and obey. Maybe He won't weigh in on this issue, but I hope He does. I am asking boldly in the name of Jesus for clarity.

That's all I've got for now.

GRACE FOR PULLING BACK

Just got home from church and am contemplating baking some bran-date muffins for the freezer. Richie is going to be ushering at the USD-SDSU games today and will be gone from 11:30 til about 5 or 6 so I have lots of me-time. I started a new book last night and most likely I will retreat to my "girl cave" Lazy-Boy rocker and settle in to read for some of the day. Wish the EWU-NDSU championship game was today instead of yesterday. I miss football. I miss Vikings. I will have to settle for watching the Bears push around the Eagles. Go Philly!!

Richie got me an ancestry DNA kit for Christmas. He is intuitive.....I never told him I've always wondered what mine would show. So I excitedly sent in my spit and can't wait for results in 6-8 weeks. Wouldn't it be cool if some Czech 4th cousin is seeking a connection and they match me?? Or if they found the name of my 5x great-grandmother on my German side? Or discovered that my 4x great-uncle was the mayor of a little Irish village??

As I sit and write this, my niece Betsy (who wrote the kiddie book with me) is in labor in the hospital so even though our books are done, we will be on hiatus for a few weeks in finishing the details. Can't wait for the 6th great niece/nephew to join the Hieb clan.

I get my scan results tomorrow. Anxious to see what God has done in these two months without chemo.

My body bumps are almost gone. They went from raised bumps to bright red dots that resembled acne to lighter red dots and now are disappearing. Thank goodness, the cream the dermatologist recommended to my doctor to give me worked. I would guess in another week I will be bump free!! 

I end with a poster my best friend sent me this morning. She knows me so well and we have both struggled with issues that make us need to protect our energy:

It's okay to cancel a commitment. It's okay to not answer a call. It's okay to change your mind. It's okay to want to be alone. It's okay to take a day off. It's okay to do nothing. It's okay to speak up. It's okay to let go.

She and I often talk about how God has grace, abundant grace, for people like us who for a season need to pull back and be honest about how much we can do. Our mutual pact: do one thing a day and be satisfied with that.

I will let you know my scan results. Happy New Year!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019

We are on the precipice of a new year. 3 more days of 2018. Where did it go?

I have been off chemo for 8 weeks and was supposed to have scans this week, but the snowstorm kept us from driving up to Sioux Falls. They are scheduled for next week. I am eager to see what they find off the ugly drug. If they insist I go back on (if the scans are bad), I am going to go back to a 90 mg pill instead of the 120 mg I was on. 

We spent a couple days with Sam and Gretchen this past weekend in Minneapolis. They had to leave Christmas Eve morning to get to her home for Christmas. We drove home right after they left and spent a quiet night in front of the tree opening our gifts for each other. Richie was gracious enough to watch a Hallmark movie with me Christmas night.!!!

We've had a 2-day snowstorm and its back to super cold temps. I can't wait til our weeks in Florida approach.

My niece Betsy and I are just finishing up a book we have been doing for the last couple years. She is an amazing illustrator and I can't wait to see the finished product. It honors all of the little "ditties" my Czech grandmother sang to us/told us.

My body broke out in bumps 10 days ago. I mean ALL over. I was like a gravel road to touch. I did go to the doctor, as it freaked me out a bit, and she consulted my dermatologist in the city. The dermatologist prescribed me a steroid drug to rub on my whole body twice a day. 3 days later, the bumps turned bright red, like acne. Nobody could guess what it is. It is finally, now, starting to get lighter red with fewer bumps. STRANGE. Hope this was a once-in-a-lifetime oddity.

Well, blogger friends, I wish you all a joyous new year. May God give you all of His richest gifts. 

Peace and love, M

FIRST MONTH OFF CHEMO

I've been a month off chemo and have welcomed the small changes. I am steadier on my feet, have had less vertigo, and a little more energy. Unfortunately I thought I would gain an appetite and put on some pounds, but I've only gained 1 pound. Maybe in December. I eat every 2 hours and eat at meals as much as my stomach can hold, but still no luck. I inherited my mom's high metabolism, I guess.

My doctor wanted to try me on a drug, a marijuana-derivative, which increases appetite, but when I found out it would cost me $400, I pulled the plug on that. I am searching OTC appetite stimulants.

I've had some stomach issues; frequent belly aches which have required lots of Tums. I am ready to go in to my family doctor and make sure I don't have an ulcer.

So 4 more weeks off chemo. I am hoping to see more change for the better. I did have a "moment" yesterday when I found I could step out of the shower (tub) without holding on to the towel bar. Haven't been able to do that in years. And I was able to put on my underwear without leaning against my dresser! Small, but great victories for me!

We loved having Sam and Gretch here for Thanksgiving.  We connect too rarely these days. They had a wedding in northwest Iowa on that Saturday so we babysat the dog. Captain decided that Richie's "man cave" was his new place in the house and laid all afternoon at his feet watching sports. In fact, when Richie went upstairs to get anything, the dog would not follow him. Well, it is the only carpet he is allowed on in the house and it is pretty plush. He's a smart dog. They even slept down in the man cave that night!! Pretty cute.

Today has been our first snow storm. I think we are going to by-pass the predicted 10-12 inches. So far, we have about 4-5 and it is slowing down. Back to snow-packed roads.

I have been able to lay aside all my fears about tumors growing during this drug holiday. I guess I am just so assured in my faith that God has me protected that fear (Satan) had not been able to get a foothold. I trust that lasts through December.

I wish you all a very joyous Christmas and I hope the love of Jesus finds its way into all your hearts.

BOLD DECISION

As of 30 minutes ago, I took my last chemo pills for the next two months. Bold-----and yet not.....decision. My scans of last week were unremarkable. Minute changes. I was going to ask my doc anyway for a drug holiday for a month, but circumstances changed it up.

I found out last week that the Plan D drug plan I chose was very unethical and on the day I was to use them for the first time, they doubled what they had quoted us TWICE. So when we started looking at new Plan D companies, we realized that if were to use it, the deductible kicks in right away of course and those large monthly co-pays. Then in January it all resets and I have to pay the deductible all over again. 

We're talking thousands, not hundreds here. Honestly they "punish" people with pre-existing conditions and expensive drugs. Someone needs to do something about drug costs. I would vote for anyone.....Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Alien.....if they were dedicated to Pharmaceutical Reform. So, for financial reasons, I am holding out til January (my doc really has no say in my decision...I sure it would be AMA).

The bigger factor is my faith. If I believe that God is healing me and will totally heal me in His time (He has kept me alive with stage 4 lung and brain cancer for 8 years), then I should not have to worry or stress that I am not taking these drugs for 8 weeks. I believe God has me covered and delivered and doesn't need any assistance from the medical realm to keep my tumors from growing larger or proliferating. I am at peace with the decision. My bigger fear is that I will feel so good OFF the chemo, that I won't want to go back!!!

I had a rare burst of energy today and spent about 5 or 6 hours purging my bedroom. Cleaned out every drawer and my closet (after which my dear husband said, "You really don't have any clothes, do you.?" I have only 26 hangers of all my clothes including pants, sweaters, dresses and tops. Richie has begged me for years to go buy some clothes, but the process of shopping is so distasteful to me, I can't get up the verve to do it.

But I do love to purge. Decided I am holding onto some items way too long. I finally put in the Goodwill pile, an old green acrylic sweater that my sister-in-law Margie handed off to me from her Goodwill pile about 10-12 years ago, so I am making progress. My Goodwill pile is overflowing from today. Never been so proud of the way my dresser drawers and closet look!!!

BEST NEWS EVER:THE POLITICAL ADS ON TV AND ROBOCALLS FOR CANDIDATES WILL BE OVER IN 72 HOURS!!  YAY!! They tax my brain.

I will let you know how I am doing "drugless." Praise God that He is sovereign over chemotherapy. Pray that I remain peaceful about my decision and not start fearing.

I had to get a shot of how I looked on
Medicare Day!!!

HOME FROM THE SPRINGS

I got over a week of vertigo in time to take our trip, only to return home and find myself down with it again. That stuff is so life-altering. Cannot leave the house, laying down most of the day, loss of appetite. No fun.

Our anniversary trip to Hot Springs, AK was OK. We had 3 bad days and 2 good ones. Travel on each end was horrible. We spent both ends in a plane, an airport, a car, dealing with gate changes (multiple) and delays on flights for 10-12 hours. The 2nd day bad was when we drove into HS to check into our luxury motel in the historic district. After waiting in our room for over 2 hours, and having several men checking it out, we realize we were not going to have any heat (it was cold in HS) in this place and so we left. They gave us our money back. We were so counting on staying in the historic district near the bathhouses. A great disappointment. We ended up at a Holiday Inn 7 minutes down the strip. No hot-tub, as an added jab.

The first good day was our couples massages (which were heavenly) and then after lunch we went in the mineral springs in the bathhouse. My expectation for the springs were outdoors and rural. These are all in a large room, divided according to the spring temperature. It was enjoyable to soak for an hour.

The next day, we had a couples massage again and then opted to have facials. I was so limp from relaxation, I could hardly walk. Richie told his masseuse that it was the best deep body massage he had ever had. Ever.

We drove into the HS National Park (short loop), took a walk up the hill behind the bathhouses where we found a natural mineral spring steaming out of the ground. Maybe 5 feet in diameter. Maybe 105-107 degrees. I was unable to immerse 1 finger, it was that hot. It was in a cove of natural rock and it had been exactly what I THOUGHT we were getting when the literature talks about "the springs."

Trying to get rid of the vertigo so I can get my scans done next week. Always anxiety-producing. My faith in healing doesn't waver, but my feelings sure do. I will let ya'll know the results.

You can barely see the steam in this mineral steam.

The grape vines outside our 3rd story motel (which we had to leave)

Richie at HS National Park (at the tower)

Two of the long row of bathhouses in the historic district

All ready for our couples massage

Right after our facials. Are we not "glowing?"

I will blog my scan results, friends.