DECISION MADE

My decision as to what option to take was actually made for me, and I think it is the best one. I called my Denver doctor's staff to set up a remote conference with him, and they never did get back to me. I don't know if my note was lost or if God's hand made it  disappear, but that week of waiting gave me discernment. I knew I was supposed to go back on the chemo that I was taking before I took the drug holiday.

My SF doc wants to re-scan me (read: dread and sighing) in 2 months and see what this chemo is doing. If the new tumors are increasing, we will have to either go up in dosage or try the brand new targeted therapy for my type of cancer. Or I will need to have the radiation again to the brain which makes me quake with the thoughts of needing steroids afterwards again. I believe I would consult my University of Colorado doctor. He is a world -renowned expert in my strain of cancer.

I keep reminding myself that God has the final word. Not drugs or radiation. I keep my eyes on Him and His Word.

We have been in the polar vortex like the rest of the midwest and east coast. Yesterday we had 45-below (wind chill temp) which I realize is warm compared to northern MN temps which got down to 64-below. Our little cabin is creaking and shivering. I am sure that the lake has frozen clear to its bottom and that ice won't be off the lake til well after fishing opener. 

We have been pretty much inside for 3 days. The whole town pretty much closed down for Tuesday and Wednesday. Today is 6 degrees and we had to get to Walmart for groceries. We were out of nearly everything. By Saturday, it should be 40!!! Break out the cut-offs.

We are still prayerfully waiting for a condo unit for Gretchen and Sam in Florida the same week that we are there. But few people have released their units for rental. I will feel so sad if they can't come.....they make Florida vacations so much more fun.  I will get on next year's waiting list this month. A year in advance puts me pretty close to the top of the waiting list. Sun and warmth can't come soon enough for me.

We have a new baby in the family. Margaux Bea was born to my niece Betsy (Mike's youngest daughter) and her husband Michael about a month ago. Can't wait to meet her. Wish we didn't live 9 hours apart.

I hope you all survived the past week without frostbite and a greater sense of gratitude for being able to afford the gas/oil to heat your warm homes.

SCANS

The results of my lung and brain scans were mixed. From the neck down, little has changed except for more fluid around my lung (it is already about 2 qts I'm carrying around) and the fact that my lung is getting smaller and has a tough cancerous rind around it so it could never descend into the lung cavity even if I had an effusion.

The three brain tumors n my brain all grew in these 2 months off chemo. There is even a new one bigger than the previous 3. One doubled in size and 2 went up about 2/3 as big. This is not great news. I had been hoping God would show His hand while I was off my chemo so he would have ALL the glory for healing.

I am faced with two options. Go under radiation again to get those tumors....which freaks me because of the steroids I would need afterward. It was the steroid use after my first round of brain radiation that ruined by body permanently. Pain and weakness in all my muscles, vertigo, imbalances, no appetite. I can hardly listen to this option. The other is to start up again on the same chemo I have been on for several months.

I pray for discernment about what to do. I want to hear God clearly in my spirit and obey. Maybe He won't weigh in on this issue, but I hope He does. I am asking boldly in the name of Jesus for clarity.

That's all I've got for now.

GRACE FOR PULLING BACK

Just got home from church and am contemplating baking some bran-date muffins for the freezer. Richie is going to be ushering at the USD-SDSU games today and will be gone from 11:30 til about 5 or 6 so I have lots of me-time. I started a new book last night and most likely I will retreat to my "girl cave" Lazy-Boy rocker and settle in to read for some of the day. Wish the EWU-NDSU championship game was today instead of yesterday. I miss football. I miss Vikings. I will have to settle for watching the Bears push around the Eagles. Go Philly!!

Richie got me an ancestry DNA kit for Christmas. He is intuitive.....I never told him I've always wondered what mine would show. So I excitedly sent in my spit and can't wait for results in 6-8 weeks. Wouldn't it be cool if some Czech 4th cousin is seeking a connection and they match me?? Or if they found the name of my 5x great-grandmother on my German side? Or discovered that my 4x great-uncle was the mayor of a little Irish village??

As I sit and write this, my niece Betsy (who wrote the kiddie book with me) is in labor in the hospital so even though our books are done, we will be on hiatus for a few weeks in finishing the details. Can't wait for the 6th great niece/nephew to join the Hieb clan.

I get my scan results tomorrow. Anxious to see what God has done in these two months without chemo.

My body bumps are almost gone. They went from raised bumps to bright red dots that resembled acne to lighter red dots and now are disappearing. Thank goodness, the cream the dermatologist recommended to my doctor to give me worked. I would guess in another week I will be bump free!! 

I end with a poster my best friend sent me this morning. She knows me so well and we have both struggled with issues that make us need to protect our energy:

It's okay to cancel a commitment. It's okay to not answer a call. It's okay to change your mind. It's okay to want to be alone. It's okay to take a day off. It's okay to do nothing. It's okay to speak up. It's okay to let go.

She and I often talk about how God has grace, abundant grace, for people like us who for a season need to pull back and be honest about how much we can do. Our mutual pact: do one thing a day and be satisfied with that.

I will let you know my scan results. Happy New Year!!