Thursday, July 30, 2015

SCAN TODAY

We are in the city today for my lung CT scan, scheduled for an hour from now. I don’t relish “starting afresh” with a new doctor, but it is unavoidable, as he will need to go over the radiologist’s findings. We are not expecting any startling news.

Hard to believe July is over. We have had a glorious summer of cool nights and warm days, but rarely over 75. We appreciate the moderation! 

My progress with my muscles continues to be so so slow. Some days I don’t think it is worth continuing to try to improve. Dick reassures me that even if it takes a year to return to normal, it is worth it. Tell that to my sore muscles from lifting leg weights.

On a positive note, my hair has finally begun to grow in. Sam was the one who noticed it on July 1. It is unfortunately coming in mainly white and very thin and wispy. My sister-in-law had the good fortune to have her hair come back in black and curly. I was not that lucky. I had read that many women have the coming-back-in-white issue. I don’t really like myself in white yet. When I am able and have enough hair, I WILL color it!!

I am meeting with my two dear friends Lee and Penny every Wednesday for concentrated prayer and intercession and it has fed my soul. I so love these women.

The deer population is way down and we have not had one deer walk thru our yard this summer. It used to be a near daily occurrence which we have loved. A mass of hummingbirds has taken up residence on Dick’s two hummingbird feeders and their frenzied activity fighting for a straw is comical.


I hope all of you are having a wonderful summer.

Monday, July 13, 2015

SUMMER HALF OVER

A quick update. Summer is half over. Where did the time go? We've seen the kids 3 times, for only 24 hours each time, but it was nice to connect. We went down to Mpls for a Twins game with them last week. My rehab is progressing very very slowly. People: Beware of steroids. They destroy muscle. Don't know if I will ever regain what I have lost. But I continue to work at it. Here are a few pics from the summer.













Monday, June 22, 2015

REHAB

I am writing this on Father’s Day. The first time I haven’t had my pop to call and tell him what an amazing dad he was. It was always, “Now, no presents, only cards.” We never listened to him. Tears have come several times today. Losing both parents in 8 months will require a lot of grief work I think. It still hurts. I miss them both so much.

Dick has me on a rigorous (as defined by how weak I am) rehab treatment plan to regain muscle strength and mass from the steroids, which totally depleted me. The progress is painfully slow. After 2 weeks, I am only up to 11 pounds on ankle weights and am up to 4 walks up our little hill…trying to add one climb per day.

I thought the reversal of steroid use would be faster. It is very slow. I am nauseous every day which has decreased my appetite to near nothing. I eat less than a 3 year old. My belly is slowly receding and my “disconnected” feelings between my head and body are very slowly starting to wane. The extreme fatigue from radiation lingers. I am a woman who normally naps maybe 6 times a year. I hate napping. I feel groggy and sluggish afterwards. But I have no choice this time. My body needs 1-2 hours of napping every afternoon. It will be a summer of working hard to try to find normal again.

We took a boat ride around the lake tonight…..first one…..and found that our 2 bald eagles are back in their nest in a very high pine with their babies. Such a majestic sight.

It is a 3 week period of time now since Mom died, Sam got married, and we had a funeral for Mom. It seems like we couldn’t possibly have walked through all of that emotion and come out the other side, but I guess we did. God wraps us in His grace and mercy when we need it. I am so grateful that we had a weekend of such pure joy at the wedding between two very hard weekends.

We have no internet this summer, so we are tech-free. If any of you have facebook-messaged us, or emailed us, and we have not responded, that is why. Most of our texts get through. It feels very freeing, actually.

We continue to have faith in healing. You may wonder why we still believe after all these years. We do, because God’s Word cannot lie and we stand on it. I don’t understand His methods or His timing. But we understand His faithfulness in what He says. 

Monday, June 15, 2015

UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN

To the strains of Amazing Grace, Unforgettable, and Be Thou My Vision, my family----Dick, my brothers and their wives, and 6 of the 7 grandchildren and their spouses----tucked our sweet mom/Nanny in, and committed her earthly body on Saturday to the dust she shall return to. After losing Dad only 8 months ago, the pain of grief leapt up into all our hearts once again. Like we did for him, we walked her home together for the past 5 months, with love and sadness and honor, and now, this weekend, we were able to celebrate her great life.

The feeling of being an orphan is daunting. My brother Chris expressed wondering what he should do with his son-role. I can echo that. The daughter-role was such a vital component of my life, especially as the 3 of us have done caregiving for both Mom and Dad. I have always worn the badge of daughter with pride. I would have done anything for my parents. How do you give that up?

There were lots of tears last weekend, both at the wake, where we all got up to talk about what she has meant to us, and at the funeral and the burial. We are Hiebs. We cry. A lot. Another piece of DNA from our mom. She was Irish. She laughed hard, played hard, and cried hard. Happy tears. Sad tears. All 10 of us got the gene, 3 kids and 7 grands. So this weekend, we did the domino dance many different times, involuntarily falling one after another into our tears. When one Hieb cries, we all cry. That’s what Hiebs do. In the months to come, I hope my private tears will be cleansing and somewhat healing.

I need some healing. Because I don’t know how to do this……to be motherless. I can’t express how that feels. Mom was the keeper of my past. She knew the secret moments that formed me, and the deepest part of my being as I grew up. She loved me like nobody else could ever love me……she was, after all, my mom. That’s what moms do. I was so blessed to be loved like that for over 60 years.

My niece Rachel and my friend Julie essentially said the exact thing to me at two different times one day. “You will be able to walk forward without her because she taught you how.” I will cling to that.

The last time I was with her, her words were mere whispers and not clear, but when I said to her, “Mom, you will live in my heart forever,” she said back to me, tapping her heart, “We’ll live in each other’s hearts forever.” And so we will. That kind of love never ends.

It says in Psalm 139 that the number of our days were determined before any of them came to be. God could have ordained her days to be over when she was 30 or 50 or 75. But He was gracious enough to give her 94 years. God gave her 65 years with the man she deeply loved. He allowed her to see the happy marriages of her 3 children and her grandkids.

I got to have my mom at my wedding. She watched me graduate from her alma mater. I got to watch her big tears fall as I laid my long-awaited newborn son in her arms. From that moment on, for 23 years, she called Sam “my boy.”

“How was my boy’s game today?”
“When is my boy gonna come and visit us?”
“I want to come down for my boy’s piano recital.”

I guess she had the right to partial ownership. God gave HER the dream that he was to be. After 6 years of our infertility, Mom had a very poignant and real dream that Sam was going to be conceived, and that he would have big blue eyes and curly blond hair. God let her see him first. I did conceive and he looked exactly like the baby in her dream. Exactly. That bonded the two of them in many special ways.

Mom was always on the other end of a telephone when I needed to cry, when I needed affirmation or encouragement. Anytime I had a “Samism” to share, she’d be the one I would call. She never stopped teaching me, whether it was coping with a trial, cooking, or taking risks. She always knew what I should do. And I almost always took her advice. She was one of my best friends.






Pat was a life force. She was a hurricane of love and passion and opinions and selflessness. She was a gourmet cook, even published in the New York Times Cookbook. She was involved in community, school, and medical auxiliary events, and belonged to many clubs. She was a highly trained medical technologist. Mom was smart, sentimental, loyal, and always up for a party (remember she was Irish). She was a devoted caregiver to two elderly aunts and both of my grandmothers.

Her gifts and interests were so varied. I wish I had inherited her skills at all of them. Sewing and quilting (exquisite hand quilting), antique refinishing, gardening, bridge, cooking and baking, entertaining, crafts of all kinds, and knitting (she could knit an intricate wool sweater better than any Norwegiaknitter!!

Nanny was adored by each of her 7 grandchildren and the adoration flowed back to her in return. They each forged a unique relationship with her that was exclusive only to the two of them.

My mom was the hub of our family. Sam texted on the day she died, “Without Nanny our family is like a boat without a rudder.” Indeed.

She made every occasion special with traditions and memories and incredible food. We were all spoiled by her devotion to making every family event one to be remembered. I will never forget the surprise party she planned for my 13th birthday. Never had I been more surprised! She anchored our lives with wit and joy.

I’ve had friends send me remembrances. My dear friend Peg remembers Mom’s pies and her grace. My best friend from grade school, Patty, remembers being made to feel as if Mom were a second mom to her. More than a few friends recalled the PDA between my folks. There used to be a lot of necking while she was cooking dinner!



Mom wore butterflies her entire life. They were her "signature." She had butterfly everything. Clothes, pins, dishes, etc. She gave away so many butterfly pins. And it had nothing to do with the insect. She always told people it was a sign of the resurrection. She knew eternal life awaited her and she loved a symbol of that transition.

Did we have enough time with her? No, it was not enough. My son will never be able to lay his newborn someday in his Nanny’s arms. She won’t be here to advise me through retirement. I will never be called “Precious” again.

But I would not ask God for more. It was an amount of time that few children do not get with their parents. We were the lucky ones.

We cannot imagine a life without our mom and Nanny. She is woven through us from birth to death. She stood at our mileposts and celebrated with us.

How do we say goodbye to her without saying goodbye to a piece of ourselves? There is a large chunk of Patty in each of us. In the 3 of us kids and even in the 7 grandkids. Traits, idiosyncrasies, habits and looks….the most enduring parts of her are in the 10 of us.

Whenever we need her zest for life, her compassion, her problem solving, her strength, or humor….all we need to do is look to each other. She is there. Whenever we laugh about our “worry gene” we will think of Mom. Whenever we give each other the “I’m not happy with you” look, we will chuckle and remember that it is her face. Most of us can imitate nearly every facial expression and mannerism she had!

Patricia Mary Bolger Hieb

What do we do with all that she gave us? We absorb it all and then pay it forward. We love our own children lavishly and try to be as generous with them as she and dad were with us. We carve out precious relationships with our grandchildren. Like Mom, we make family the most important thing. We take her lessons and try to recreate the wonder of our childhood with our own kids.

No doubt we will cry along the way as we remember the love and the memories and as we yearn to have her hold us one more time. We will honor her with our tears. Because that is what Hiebs do.

I love you past the moon, Mama. And because you can’t one-up me, I get to say it all this time:

I love you.
I love you more.
I love you most.


Until we meet again…..

Monday, June 8, 2015

THE WEDDING


My Sam is now a husband!! The wedding was this past weekend in Minneapolis. The groom's dinner, wedding and reception were absolutely perfect. God's favor rested on every element of the weekend celebration. I don't have pictures to share yet (I copied and pasted these from someone who posted it on FB) but I will when I officially get some. Am so blessed to have shared this day with Sam and Gretchen.




Friday, May 29, 2015

SWEET DREAMS, MAMA

My sweet precious mom went to heaven yesterday. The lights in my world, my soul, and my heart have gone out. There really is a hole of grief so deep that you can't reach the bottom of it.

I was blessed to have this amazing woman for a mom. She loved us all lavishly. 

And as my brother and I have said back and forth over the last week, nobody will ever love you like your mom loves you. It is so true. I will miss her love til the day I die.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

SO MUCH LOVE

Every goodbye holds more pain. Every goodbye looms over my words, wondering whether it could be the last one. This past weekend, I had to do it again. It is heartbreaking every time.

The January stroke which stole my mother's independence also stole her sweet light-filled apartment, her mobility, her strength, her vitality, and some of her mental clarity.

My smart, ebullient, vital, thoughtful, and very active mother did not want to end her life story like this. People want to end their stories on their own terms. Mom did not get a choice. She would tell you, if she could, that she would want to die sitting at a bridge table with her 3 girlfriends, having just bid one-no-trump. 

And yet, what remains is undimmed and canyon-deep love for her children and grandchildren. When she may not be able to express her preferences for dinner or what to wear, she can still be profoundly articulate about her love. 

"I love you more than that."
"Nobody will ever love you as much as I do."
"You are in my heart everyday."

I soak it in. My brothers soak it in. The 3 of us have been loved intensely our whole lives. Maybe mother-love is the one enduring constant in life.

When I am about to leave her room, we can't hug and kiss enough. And we talk about how much we love each other. And we try to say goodbye. And I die a little tiny bit every time because I don't know how I am going to live without my mom. When the time comes, I really don't know how I can do that.

Mom's rich rich life was diminished because of this stroke. But she still has love. Lots of love. Love given to her, and love given by her. 

Of all she has lost, I know that if she had the choice of losses, she would have chosen everything but the ability to love her family.

That remains.