Tuesday, January 29, 2013


On Sunday, our church family was informed that one of our members was diagnosed with a brain tumor. A great guy, man of God, in his '50's, married to a sweet friend of mine. As I looked around the church, I saw tears and more tears. And I, for as emotional of a person as I am, felt not one teardrop eeking its way out of my lacrimal glands. All I felt was a slow, seething, raw anger at Satan. I mean, I came close to standing up in church and yelling at everyone, "Don't be sad! Be MAD! We have to FIGHT this battle with Kenny against the devil who designed tumors to destroy humans' lives." 

I am so tired of cancer assaulting my friends. 5 people in my life----a cousin, a neighbor, a co-worker, and 2 friends have died of lung cancer this year. And now Ken. I am SO angry at the evil in this world personified as cancer. Satan knows where to strike. Because all too many people accept this diagnosis as "God's will." Scripture is SO clear that HEALING is God's will. Disease has NEVER been God's will for his beloved children. 

I am angry. Really really angry. 

On Thursday we are going over to talk to our friends. We know every feeling they have right now. We can feel every fear, every doubt. We know the terror and the grief and the puzzlement and the "This is NOT my life" spiral. We know every lie that the devil is whispering to them right now. We know every scenario he has planted in their minds for their future. We know.

Oh, yes, we know.

But praise to our amazing God for rescuing Dick and Sam and me from the grip of terror. We found the truths about healing in the Bible. We learned them. We believe them. We stand on them. 

I am alive.

I should be dead. Should have been in the crematorium round about October of 2011, at the latest.

Sorry, devil. You talked just a little too much smack for our taste. You have been vanquished in the name of Jesus Christ. 

If they want to hear them, we are going to share with our friends the truths we have learned. If not, that is fine. But we will offer to them the knowledge we have gleaned in 2 1/2 years. If they want to get mad, we are the perfect people to have in the battalion. We are ready to battle the one who is responsible for this tumor. And it isn't God.

Will you please say some prayers for my friends Ken and Earleen? They need peace and discernment and they need the supernatural power of our God to heal this tumor. In the name of Jesus, please claim that for them, because "by His stripes, we ARE HEALED." (Is 53:5)

Thursday, January 24, 2013


Double-dose day 6. So far, the chemo has not made me sick. For those of you who know my extreme sensitivity to drugs (I get nauseated from Tylenol), this is nothing short of God's grace (not that he needs this drug to heal me by any means). I am having double strength photopsia (flashing lights in my eyes) every morning, which drives me crazy (and is one of the most common side effects of this drug), but it does go away after 10-15 minutes. Other than that, if I can avoid the dreaded chemo-induced bowel issues, I think I have a chance at trying this for a few months. Thank you for all the prayers!!

Sunday, January 20, 2013


I am on my 3rd dose of double-strength chemotherapy, and so far so good. Dick and I are claiming Mark 16:18 as mine, and thus far, the "deadly poison" Jesus talked about has not hurt me, just like He said it wouldn't. I believe that God is protecting my healthy cells.

I have struggled the past 3 weeks with extremely dry mouth and I have no reason for it. The chemo has never had that side effect, and my diet is no different. I wish I had an answer. It is sometimes hard to talk....it is THAT dry. I have tried all of the Biotene products and they last only minutes after using them and are not real effective. If any of you have any ideas on why sudden and intense dry mouth might occur, let me know!

My vitreous detachment has been worse the past 10 days. I have a feeling there may be a second detachment in that right eye, as the blurred vision is pretty constant. It is such a frustration and a loss. We are praying hard for healing of this as well.

Dick's off-hand comment tonight that maybe we should just amputate my right leg sounds like a real consideration! From the stiff hip to painful buttock to painful right kneecap and very sore ankle, I have reached my end of tolerance for the leg. While I can walk, it is hard to stand and hurts all the time. Radiation is a killer.

On the lighter side, I went to a doc's appt in the city last week to see if I can get on top of this depression with meds. I am tired of it sweeping up on me every few weeks. I met with a very nice middle-aged gal. In the course of the first 6-7 minutes, I told her why I needed some tweaking, but did not mention the cancer til later in the conversation. When I did, she said, "Oh, whoa, wait a minute. Hold up. Let's go back. You have cancer?"

"Yep," I replied. "Stage 4 lung cancer."

"When were you diagnosed?" she asked.

"August of 2010," I answered.

Her eyes widened to saucers and she nearly whispered, "And you are ALIVE?"

It was so funny! I'm sure she was expecting me to break into tears, but I thought it was really funny. I got a chance to tell her about my faith in healing! 16 months is the average survival rate. Without God as healer.

She proceeded to ask me all the standard psychiatric questions:

"Are you suicidal?"  (no)

"Do you want to hurt others?" (no)

"Do you obsess over anything?" (I've had to become a germophobe since getting cancer, so I do wash my hands a lot more often to avoid acute illnesses)

"Are you manic? (no)

"Did your parents abuse you?" (no).....(I should have said, if you consider a 10:30 curfew on weeknights in high school as abuse of my social life, then yes.)

"Do you have any friends?" (lots) 

"Do you hear voices?"

I paused (great effect) for a moment and looked her in the eyes and said, "You know, as a matter of fact I do. (now she is wide-eyed again) I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but I am and I know that the devil is alive and well and trying desperately to get me believe all his lies. I hear his taunting in my ears all the time. I hear him scheming over my life and I  continually rebuke him. Now, I don't hear him audibly, but I do hear him, if you know what I mean."

Dr. C simply stared at me, nodded, and was mute. She couldn't say a word! I wanted to howl with laughter!!

It was a productive meeting and she is going to have me start on a little something once my body chemistry adjusts to the double dose of chemo, and we'll see if that can normalize those brain chemicals.

I dream about the day of total healing, and praise God in advance for what is coming. Thank you for all the prayers about the chemo. They have been heard. I am humbled by people still even checking in on this blog after such a long time. You WILL see "God's goodness in the land of the living."

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


          Reacting to the Sandy Hook School slaughter of 20 children and 6 adults, President Obama on Wednesday formally proposed the most expansive gun-control policies in generations and initiated 23 separate executive actions aimed at curbing what he called "the epidemic of gun violence in this country.”
          While no legislation can prevent every tragedy, he said in announcing the proposals, “if there is even one thing we can do to reduce this violence, if there’s even one life that can be saved, we’ve got an obligation to try.”

          I find it pretty dang difficult to listen to anyone who supports the murder of 1.5 million innocent unborn babies every year talking about eliminating violence against children through aggressive gun legislation.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


My double dose of chemotherapy did not get approved last week by the insurance company, so the shipment has been delayed to this week. Possibly as early as today. Needless to say, I have not been chomping-at-the-bit about the delay.

I am keeping my eyes on the verse in Mark 16:18 where Jesus says that for people who are believers (His followers), they shall be able to "drink anything deadly, and it will not hurt them."

Chemo is essentially a poison, and to ingest a double dose of it daily is something that just inherently gives me chills. BUT as I said, I am claiming that verse as my own and believe God will honor it. Because of that, I am not going to expect any side effects or the death of any healthy cells in my body.

Dick and I went up to Sioux Falls last night to a large and growing church which has teams of people anointed for prophetic prayer available to anyone every other Monday night. We did it individually, and were both encouraged. 

Sam went back to college yesterday afternoon. We miss family time already.

I am so glad to be done with December and half of January. In another 6 weeks, our temps should be very tolerable. Dick and I joined the health club at the U to stave off laziness when it comes to exercising in the winter. Somehow when you know you have paid for it, you drag yourself over there and do what you have to do!!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


FALL 1998




(Read Sam's blog about the experience of being a Viking fan at Lambeau Field!!)

Friday, January 4, 2013


Jesus is walking on water out to his disciples’ boat (Matthew 14:25-31). They thought it was a ghost and they were terrified. Jesus said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “Tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Peter took his eyes off Jesus and began to sink. He got distracted by wind, probably looked around and up and down, and took his eyes off the source of the power that was letting him do the miraculous.

Peter’s story was my story yesterday. Had I posted something yesterday, you would have heard the bubbles arising from the surface of the water where I had gone under. I heard news I did not want to hear, it violated my sense of trust and I took my eyes off Jesus. My eyes were fixed on a computer screen showing me that bright yellow spot full of rapidly replicating cancer cells. My eyes should have been fixed on Jesus.

My PET results showed only a very slight increase in the size of my lung tumor, but it did show a significant increase (from 6.2 to 9.6) in cancer cell activity. From a medical point of view, this means the tumor is adapting to the chemo.

I came to the doctor’s appointment with my own agenda. Surely the Lord sees how weary I am of this. Surely His timing for healing is now. Surely He wants His glory to be known as my Healer NOW. Right, Lord? 

Do not try to schedule your God’s miracles.

What next? I was unable to tolerate the original double dosage which is the protocol for this drug, so I have been taking half the dosage. They are going to have me try the double dosage once again. If I can’t do it, I can’t. I cannot not eat, which happened originally. The nausea was too severe. There are a couple clinical trials somewhere in the country where new drugs are being experimented with. My doc will look into those. I left with my heart shattered.

Tears are good. I shed a quart or two over the next hours. My poor son, who I had not seen in 6 days was home when we got home from the city and I spent my first hour with him crying. But by the end of the night I had collected myself, listened to my husband and son's sage words of spiritual insight, and went to bed. And during the night, the Holy Spirit whispered truth in my ear. WHAT HAD CHANGED? (Which was the first thing Dick said to me outside the doctor’s office on the way to the car, but I didn’t have ears to hear it yet).

This morning, my heart had to do a major re-set, but it did just that. Nothing has changed except the science, which in the life of a Christian with faith in God’s promises, means N.O.T.H.I.N.G! Did I think God could not zap a million cancer cells as easily as 100,000 cancer cells? Did I think that computer screen had some sort of trump card over God’s power to heal? Nothing has changed! Just because God does not manifest my healing in MY time frame means only that I am an impatient Type A-let’s-get-this-thing-done kind of gal who took HER agenda to the meeting and forgot that the CEO’s agenda is the only one that matters. God is still on the throne, not surprised by anything that happened yesterday. Loving me, extending His grace in my wavering moments as He continues to write my story.

Then, after lunch today, I went out for my walk, and I was filled this glorious anger at satan. I basically said to him, “You know what, you piece of slime? If you think adding more cancer cells to my lesion is going to make me turn away from faith in God’s promises, you are sorely mistaken. You are dealing with the wrong person, you scum-bag. Bring it on, small-guy. Give me your best shot. Double the tumor size. Double the uptake. I don’t give a rip what you try. BRING IT ON. I have an army of angels protecting me and I have the heavenly arsenal of a mighty Savior at my disposal. In the name of Jesus, I have all power and authority over you. Just try me, bub. I’m ready.”

A little righteous anger can sure energize a girl.

God doesn’t need double dose chemo to heal me. I will try it, and if it doesn’t work, I will not sweat it. I have his promises straight from scripture. That is where I park my soul. I may or may not try a clinical trial. We will see. I have my inner circle of supporters who walk this path with me, and understand my confidence. Many others will be rolling their eyes at my “cavalier foolishness.” So be it.

Sam left for a trip to Milwaukee this morning. He kissed and hugged me goodbye and looked at me and said, “Mom. Just let God do His thing. You are God’s tool. He is not your tool.”

Oh, Sam, you got that right. I am His tool. He did not give me cancer, but He can use it if He needs to. He uses his followers for His purposes, and for however long it takes for His promise to be made “evident” to human eyes, I will put myself in His hands to be used for His glory.