POST-HOLIDAY CHEMO NEWS

The new drug has been approved and is available. My pharmacist at the cancer center is trying to get it nailed down as to who has it and where she can order it. It comes as no relief or anticipation to me, as even though touted as much better than chemo #2, it brings with it many side effects. 

I have been off my chemo for one week today, as I told my doctor I was taking a drug holiday for Christmas. I wanted to feel good while the kids were here. Once again, it feels so amazing to simply feel normal. I am not anxious to start chemo #3. I have decided that if it ruins my quality of life, it is not worth taking it.

Yes, you can pray for no side effects!!

Sam and Gretchen came for 2 full days and we had such a great time with them. They left Christmas morning to drive 8 hours to Hibbing where her parents live. We missed them as soon as they drove out of the driveway! Fun traditions and fun memories.

It was a hard Christmas without the folks. I had at least 5 cooking questions for my mom and she was not there for the first time to answer them!! I so wanted to just hug them both and talk with them. Moments of tears would rush in at random moments. We spent the last few years (except last year) going to Fargo to be with them for Christmas. I know why so many people hate the holidays. It is a very bittersweet time of year when you think of people you have lost. I am so glad the radio stations can go back to real music. I am tired of tearing up with every "Silent Night."

Dick and I have a massive downstairs project and are going to spend the weekend tackling it. Why are house projects never done.......

Happy New Year to you all.

MY TREE OF LOVE AND MEMORIES

I love my Christmas tree.

We got thru the whole decorating-the-tree process without me shedding a tear, even holding all the ornaments that Mom had made for me over the years.

It is a tree of love.

Christmas is love....
     Our creator-God, sovereign over the earth, sent his son as a baby to be born knowing full well that 33 years later, His son would be murdered for our sins, to redeem US, to give US His righteousness, His salvation, His healing, His peace. All for us, a planet full of sinners. If that is not love, I don't know what the season is about.

I have 3 nativity ornaments on my tree. All I see is Jesus's love when I look at them.

I have lots of friends who prefer a monochromatic Christmas tree, the same ornaments, usually all round balls, all decorations on the tree the same color.....the kind you might see in upscale department stores. My preference is a tree of memories. Every ornament has a history and a story and they all speak LOVE to me.

I loved it when my Mom flew down to Tampa to spend a week with me while in grad school. We went shopping and found an intricate "visions of sugar plums" ornament made with felt. We both bought one. We've always loved hanging them front and center.

I see the pop-can cowboy snowman that Sam picked out In Branson, MO as our souvenir when he was about 6 or 7. He loved it so we loved it too. Mom made me an old man when I became a gerontologist. He still hangs. I love her mindfulness with him.

I see crystal hearts which she loved and gave me before she died. I see Sam's preschool macaroni ornament and his kindergarten pine-tree picture ornament. I so loved that time in his life when he was a little critter, just learning about the world. 

We tried to get souvenir ornaments from all our trips. We shopped together until we could agree on a perfect representation of the locale. Our Chicago trip had us hunting on Navy Pier. They did not sell any ornaments anywhere so we decided to buy a key chain with an engraved pier and it was our 2010 ornament. My best friend sent me an angel seashell when she moved to Florida in 1990. It reminds me of how deeply I missed her in a time of no texting and cell phones.

Oh, so much love....such fun stories.

I have my favorite ornament from growing up years and a couple that were left from my Dad's growing up years that he had saved. I am transported back to Grama and Grandpa's house in Kulm. My sweet cousin Mae sent me a little silver butterfly ornament after Mom died. It says, "Miracles happen to those who believe." She stands with me in faith for healing.

And I can't forget the snowflakes. Every since we were little, my great-aunt Bea (I still hear Andy Taylor calling his auntie "Ain't Bay) tatted snowflakes for all our trees. (These snowflakes sold for $5 apiece at Macy's in NYC!) And we all have boxes of them. They beautify a tree like nothing else can. And make us remember the great love we had for great-auntie, who died at 102.

Yeah, I love the love that covers my tree. It is not "classy" as the fancy trees are, but it is a patchwork of our lives.....who we are and who and what we love.

Yes, I really love my love tree.

NORMALCY

I have had the most incredible 7 days. I had to take a drug holiday due to increasing side effects of the chemo. I had forgotten what it was like to feel like me, to feel normal, to feel the joy of being alive. I have had 7 days of NO gastrointestinal issues!!!! Unbelievable. God has just blessed this time. Unless you have "been there" with chemo side effects, you wouldn't understand the gravity of normalcy. 

We went to Minneapolis last weekend and had a wonderful time with the kids. We made Christmas cookies, picked up and decorated their tree, and got totally spoiled with the great meals they made us (my, how things change....the college guy who lived on mac and cheese and hotdogs during college is making maple-glazed salmon for his folks....).

Anyway, I have been in a prolonged praise-fest with the Lord.

The answer is yes, I have to go back on the chemo. It is difficult, not only because of how I feel OFF of it, but because we don't know if this "old" chemo is doing anything. I got off of it because it is ineffective. But we are still waiting on the 3rd generation drug to come out so maybe it is staving off growth of the growing tumors. Either way, I am bummed to go back to the side effects.

For those of you who usually receive my Thanksgiving card, there won't be one. I just wasn't feeling up to the task in early November.

Thank you all for continued prayers.

HOLIDAY

I feel much better than last Thanksgiving week when that evil chemo was destroying my liver, I couldn't walk stairs and had no equilibrium. I am on my old chemo and it has side effects, but I can run stairs and am not so klutzy. Some days I actually feel, at least for some hours, like my old life 5 years ago. I treasure every hour that feels "right."  

First Thanksgiving without our son. Another first-time empty nest experience to get through (and we will)! Sam and Gretch will be with her family and I'm sure they will have a great time. We will see them the next weekend, not for the holiday, but for cookie-making and tree-decorating. Should be fun!!

I haven't had the courage yet to get the Christmas decorations out-----so many made by or bought by Mom for me over the years. She made my tree skirt and gave me her Nativity set. She made my wreaths for me and gave me all her Spode Christmas china. Can you see why I don't have the courage yet? I need a day when I'm not at work to absorb the emotion and many tears that are going to come with the unpacking. She should be hanging the beautiful wall hanging she quilted for me. Yeah, this first holiday as an orphan is hard.

I truly do have a blessed life, though, when I count my many many blessings. I have an incredible husband, amazing son, sweet and beautiful bonus daughter, too many friends to count, a cozy little house, job, and a God whose healing promises have kept me alive for 3 years longer than I was supposed to live. All praise to him for all I have. So rich am I.

I have an oncology appointment on Wednesday. No test results to anticipate; for that I am thankful. Probably just a pow-wow about side effects and seeing if my doc knows anything further about the 3rd generation drug supposed to be here in a couple months.

For my loyal blog followers, I wish you a blessed holiday this week. Thanks for reading. 

Update

Well, I have been on a double dose of chemo now for about 8 days. It has not made me any more nauseated than I am every day, but y'all know what chemo-constipation does to me. Well, now it is double that. Truly, peristalsis is dead. My blood pressure has plummeted as well, so I have had some swan-like faints. One in a jewelry store. Me splayed out in the aisle between the crystal and the thousand dollar Rolex watches. I made for much excitement with the older ladies in the store who wanted to drive me home!!! I am dedicated to do lots of blood-to-head exercises before I get up in the mornings.

Other than that, I have only to deal with the flashing lights in my eyes in the early mornings. Along with the vitreous detachment, I see a regular light show while I'm in the shower.

I can already tell that getting through these first holidays without Mom and Dad are going to be tough. While shopping for drapes at Penney's, they had on their Christmas music(I'll be Home For Christmas) and it reduced me to tears. I want to be shopping for their gifts and find out what we are having for Christmas dinner and share recipes. I know all "orphans" go through their first Christmas and make it to the other side. But it is not easy.

ENCOURAGEMENT

I love how God gives you what you need at just the right moment. For me last week, he provided a supernatural encounter, clearly orchestrated by Himself. Dick and I try hard to live in the supernatural where the kingdom of God resides. We expect bold answers to bold prayers and fully expect that God still has signs, wonders, and miracles for those who profess faith in them and walk in the Spirit.

When my "divine appointment" was over, I was left overwhelmingly grateful to God that He found me, who is a "nobody" in this world, worthy of a supernatural encounter. Dick got in on the last part of the appointment and he received a word from God that brought us both tears.

I am blessed that my God cares enough in times of stress and discouragement to do something so lavish to encourage. It gave me increased faith that maybe, just maybe, it is the 11th hour in this cancer walk, and that healing is coming.

On a medical note, I am 2 weeks into the old chemo (the one that I quit a year ago because it was ineffective) and I am doing OK on it with the exception of the very severe chemo-induced constipation side effect. Seems like I am living on laxatives of every shape, size and consistency. Nothing seems to work. Peristalsis is dead.

I will have a decision to make soon. They want me to double my chemo dose to get closer to the recommended dosage. I am afraid that if I double the dose, my constipation will be highly out of control. It will be my call whether to stay on this "almost placebo" dose or risk doubling.

Please pray that my peristalsis would begin working with the laxatives and that I could have some relief. It colors my every waking day. Thanks so much.

ANOTHER CHALLENGE

I wish I could bring happy news to y'all as you check my blog, but we face challenges ahead. My tumors in lung and brain are growing and several new ones have popped up. They were going to radiate the brain tumors until they found "more pressing matters" in the lung. Until the 3rd generation drug comes out in December or January, they are going to put me back on the chemo that stopped being effective a year ago. I cannot take the 2nd gen chemo because it made me horribly sick and was destroying my liver. So we are asking God to protect me in both places as we wait.

Would it be easy to just throw in the towel? Oh, yes. I am so weary of cancer that I cannot articulate it. But then I think, what if it is the 11th hour? What if a miracle is just around the corner? What if? If I give up now, I will miss it if it is coming.

I think of the 19th century English preacher Charles Spurgeon who said:

We are here, like soldiers on guard, waiting for the dawn, and the night is deepening.We must stay on night watch. It is not for any of us to say, "We will desert because it is so dark."

Be of good courage, soldiers of Christ, and still wait on in patient endurance. Courage, brothers; the Lord has not forgotten us. We are in the dark and cannot see Him; but He can see us and he knows all about us. Let us not be dismayed, our glorious leader forgets not the weakest and feeblest of us, neither is any part of the battle-field beyond the reach of the great Captain's eye.

He is coming to turn the scale in the worst moment of the conflict, for the battle is the Lord's and he will deliver the enemy into our hand.


And so, we wait in the dark, maintaining our faith that He will turn the scale in His time.
Thank you in advance for any prayers prayed for my protection from side effects from the chemo and from enlarging tumors.