My sweet precious mom went to heaven yesterday. The lights in my world, my soul, and my heart have gone out. There really is a hole of grief so deep that you can't reach the bottom of it.
I was blessed to have this amazing woman for a mom. She loved us all lavishly.
And as my brother and I have said back and forth over the last week, nobody will ever love you like your mom loves you. It is so true. I will miss her love til the day I die.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
SO MUCH LOVE
Every goodbye holds more pain. Every goodbye looms over my words, wondering whether it could be the last one. This past weekend, I had to do it again. It is heartbreaking every time.
The January stroke which stole my mother's independence also stole her sweet light-filled apartment, her mobility, her strength, her vitality, and some of her mental clarity.
My smart, ebullient, vital, thoughtful, and very active mother did not want to end her life story like this. People want to end their stories on their own terms. Mom did not get a choice. She would tell you, if she could, that she would want to die sitting at a bridge table with her 3 girlfriends, having just bid one-no-trump.
And yet, what remains is undimmed and canyon-deep love for her children and grandchildren. When she may not be able to express her preferences for dinner or what to wear, she can still be profoundly articulate about her love.
"I love you more than that."
"Nobody will ever love you as much as I do."
"You are in my heart everyday."
I soak it in. My brothers soak it in. The 3 of us have been loved intensely our whole lives. Maybe mother-love is the one enduring constant in life.
When I am about to leave her room, we can't hug and kiss enough. And we talk about how much we love each other. And we try to say goodbye. And I die a little tiny bit every time because I don't know how I am going to live without my mom. When the time comes, I really don't know how I can do that.
Mom's rich rich life was diminished because of this stroke. But she still has love. Lots of love. Love given to her, and love given by her.
Of all she has lost, I know that if she had the choice of losses, she would have chosen everything but the ability to love her family.
That remains.
The January stroke which stole my mother's independence also stole her sweet light-filled apartment, her mobility, her strength, her vitality, and some of her mental clarity.
My smart, ebullient, vital, thoughtful, and very active mother did not want to end her life story like this. People want to end their stories on their own terms. Mom did not get a choice. She would tell you, if she could, that she would want to die sitting at a bridge table with her 3 girlfriends, having just bid one-no-trump.
And yet, what remains is undimmed and canyon-deep love for her children and grandchildren. When she may not be able to express her preferences for dinner or what to wear, she can still be profoundly articulate about her love.
"I love you more than that."
"Nobody will ever love you as much as I do."
"You are in my heart everyday."
I soak it in. My brothers soak it in. The 3 of us have been loved intensely our whole lives. Maybe mother-love is the one enduring constant in life.
When I am about to leave her room, we can't hug and kiss enough. And we talk about how much we love each other. And we try to say goodbye. And I die a little tiny bit every time because I don't know how I am going to live without my mom. When the time comes, I really don't know how I can do that.
Mom's rich rich life was diminished because of this stroke. But she still has love. Lots of love. Love given to her, and love given by her.
Of all she has lost, I know that if she had the choice of losses, she would have chosen everything but the ability to love her family.
That remains.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
ONE MONTH AWAY
In exactly one month, this beautiful, sweet young woman will be my daughter-in-law. I am so blessed.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
THANKFUL
I continue to be "cancer free" according to yesterday's CT scan of my torso. You won't find an oncologist willing to say those words to anyone with a stage 4 daignosis. But it is what it is. I have stable disease, with nothing new or growing in and around my lungs, kidneys, liver or bones. So I will call my torso cancer free!! And we have unwavering faith that my brain will also be labeled that someday.
For now, we take this news as a blessing. I only wish my body felt as good as this news is. I am on steroids for one more week. Our deepest prayer is that I am able to remain off the steroids and to recover my strength, lose my bloating, and reconnect with my head!!
We are praying mightily against headaches in any form to recur. That would mean steroids again.
Dick started me on a PT rehab program last night, and I am motivated to regain as much muscle strength as possible. I couldn't lose any more or I would be bed-ridden. If it is last thing I do this summer, I am going to dance with my son at his wedding, and so I am dedicated to the weights and the Theraband and picking up my walking distances.
Thank you to all of you who are my prayerful friends and family, for the sustaining prayers and the encouragement and support as I have plodded through these past 3 months of "hell." I am humbled to ask you to continue to pray for no headahces and lots of recovery.
For now, we take this news as a blessing. I only wish my body felt as good as this news is. I am on steroids for one more week. Our deepest prayer is that I am able to remain off the steroids and to recover my strength, lose my bloating, and reconnect with my head!!
We are praying mightily against headaches in any form to recur. That would mean steroids again.
Dick started me on a PT rehab program last night, and I am motivated to regain as much muscle strength as possible. I couldn't lose any more or I would be bed-ridden. If it is last thing I do this summer, I am going to dance with my son at his wedding, and so I am dedicated to the weights and the Theraband and picking up my walking distances.
Thank you to all of you who are my prayerful friends and family, for the sustaining prayers and the encouragement and support as I have plodded through these past 3 months of "hell." I am humbled to ask you to continue to pray for no headahces and lots of recovery.
Friday, May 1, 2015
STRUGGLING
I don't think it has been this tough for 4 years. I feel like my body has betrayed me. Juggling this many symptoms has left me struggling. I continue to have severe muscle weakness (I did impress myself being able to walk up 2 belabored steps unassisted this week). My mind continues to be very fuzzy and I feel "disconnected" to my body in most ways. My body is still bloated. And now extreme fatigue has set in, expected after brain radiation. All I want to do is sleep. I am even falling asleep while reading a book (avid readers do NOT do this!). My energy level is nil, and I am struggling with depression creeping around my spirit, trying to cope with all this.
I am trying to let the Lord battle for me, as I have no energy for active prayer right now. I have my warriors praying for and around me, and they are what keep me afloat. It is a time of silence, waiting on God to show up.
I have a lung scan on Monday to see what is happening in that realm.
My prayer request would be that I do not spiral into depression right now. That would exacerbate every other symptom, and I fear it would pull me under. Thanks.
I am trying to let the Lord battle for me, as I have no energy for active prayer right now. I have my warriors praying for and around me, and they are what keep me afloat. It is a time of silence, waiting on God to show up.
I have a lung scan on Monday to see what is happening in that realm.
My prayer request would be that I do not spiral into depression right now. That would exacerbate every other symptom, and I fear it would pull me under. Thanks.
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