TUESDAY

My double dose of chemotherapy did not get approved last week by the insurance company, so the shipment has been delayed to this week. Possibly as early as today. Needless to say, I have not been chomping-at-the-bit about the delay.

I am keeping my eyes on the verse in Mark 16:18 where Jesus says that for people who are believers (His followers), they shall be able to "drink anything deadly, and it will not hurt them."

Chemo is essentially a poison, and to ingest a double dose of it daily is something that just inherently gives me chills. BUT as I said, I am claiming that verse as my own and believe God will honor it. Because of that, I am not going to expect any side effects or the death of any healthy cells in my body.

Dick and I went up to Sioux Falls last night to a large and growing church which has teams of people anointed for prophetic prayer available to anyone every other Monday night. We did it individually, and were both encouraged. 

Sam went back to college yesterday afternoon. We miss family time already.

I am so glad to be done with December and half of January. In another 6 weeks, our temps should be very tolerable. Dick and I joined the health club at the U to stave off laziness when it comes to exercising in the winter. Somehow when you know you have paid for it, you drag yourself over there and do what you have to do!!

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE

FOOTBALL IN HAND AND GLOVES ON, SAM READY FOR A SUNDAY GAME 
FALL 1998

WITH PETERSON JERSEY ON,
SAM READY FOR A SUNDAY GAME, FALL 2007

WITH 4 LAYERS UNDER THE JERSEYS ON A COLD PLAY-OFF NIGHT,
SAM AND HIS FRIEND LEE READY FOR THE VIKES/PACKERS GAME
LAMBEAU FIELD, 1-5-13

MY SON, THE QUINTESSENTIAL FAN


(Read Sam's blog about the experience of being a Viking fan at Lambeau Field!!)

NOTHING CHANGED

Jesus is walking on water out to his disciples’ boat (Matthew 14:25-31). They thought it was a ghost and they were terrified. Jesus said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “Tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Peter took his eyes off Jesus and began to sink. He got distracted by wind, probably looked around and up and down, and took his eyes off the source of the power that was letting him do the miraculous.

Peter’s story was my story yesterday. Had I posted something yesterday, you would have heard the bubbles arising from the surface of the water where I had gone under. I heard news I did not want to hear, it violated my sense of trust and I took my eyes off Jesus. My eyes were fixed on a computer screen showing me that bright yellow spot full of rapidly replicating cancer cells. My eyes should have been fixed on Jesus.

My PET results showed only a very slight increase in the size of my lung tumor, but it did show a significant increase (from 6.2 to 9.6) in cancer cell activity. From a medical point of view, this means the tumor is adapting to the chemo.

I came to the doctor’s appointment with my own agenda. Surely the Lord sees how weary I am of this. Surely His timing for healing is now. Surely He wants His glory to be known as my Healer NOW. Right, Lord? 

Do not try to schedule your God’s miracles.

What next? I was unable to tolerate the original double dosage which is the protocol for this drug, so I have been taking half the dosage. They are going to have me try the double dosage once again. If I can’t do it, I can’t. I cannot not eat, which happened originally. The nausea was too severe. There are a couple clinical trials somewhere in the country where new drugs are being experimented with. My doc will look into those. I left with my heart shattered.

Tears are good. I shed a quart or two over the next hours. My poor son, who I had not seen in 6 days was home when we got home from the city and I spent my first hour with him crying. But by the end of the night I had collected myself, listened to my husband and son's sage words of spiritual insight, and went to bed. And during the night, the Holy Spirit whispered truth in my ear. WHAT HAD CHANGED? (Which was the first thing Dick said to me outside the doctor’s office on the way to the car, but I didn’t have ears to hear it yet).

This morning, my heart had to do a major re-set, but it did just that. Nothing has changed except the science, which in the life of a Christian with faith in God’s promises, means N.O.T.H.I.N.G! Did I think God could not zap a million cancer cells as easily as 100,000 cancer cells? Did I think that computer screen had some sort of trump card over God’s power to heal? Nothing has changed! Just because God does not manifest my healing in MY time frame means only that I am an impatient Type A-let’s-get-this-thing-done kind of gal who took HER agenda to the meeting and forgot that the CEO’s agenda is the only one that matters. God is still on the throne, not surprised by anything that happened yesterday. Loving me, extending His grace in my wavering moments as He continues to write my story.

Then, after lunch today, I went out for my walk, and I was filled this glorious anger at satan. I basically said to him, “You know what, you piece of slime? If you think adding more cancer cells to my lesion is going to make me turn away from faith in God’s promises, you are sorely mistaken. You are dealing with the wrong person, you scum-bag. Bring it on, small-guy. Give me your best shot. Double the tumor size. Double the uptake. I don’t give a rip what you try. BRING IT ON. I have an army of angels protecting me and I have the heavenly arsenal of a mighty Savior at my disposal. In the name of Jesus, I have all power and authority over you. Just try me, bub. I’m ready.”

A little righteous anger can sure energize a girl.

God doesn’t need double dose chemo to heal me. I will try it, and if it doesn’t work, I will not sweat it. I have his promises straight from scripture. That is where I park my soul. I may or may not try a clinical trial. We will see. I have my inner circle of supporters who walk this path with me, and understand my confidence. Many others will be rolling their eyes at my “cavalier foolishness.” So be it.

Sam left for a trip to Milwaukee this morning. He kissed and hugged me goodbye and looked at me and said, “Mom. Just let God do His thing. You are God’s tool. He is not your tool.”

Oh, Sam, you got that right. I am His tool. He did not give me cancer, but He can use it if He needs to. He uses his followers for His purposes, and for however long it takes for His promise to be made “evident” to human eyes, I will put myself in His hands to be used for His glory.

2013 STARTS WITH A PET

It is 4 hours before 2013 settles itself in.

Do I have any resolutions? No. I plan on living through this coming year; I guess that is as ambitious as I will get.

2012 was a year of happiness and of struggle. Aren’t most years like that for everyone? 

And while it is human instinct to dwell on all that I do NOT have because of cancer, I will not give the devil the satisfaction of pointing out what he has taken from me. He loves getting the recognition. He will not get it from me.

I do not know what 2013 will hold, but I know Who holds my future in His hands. Without the Lord as my refuge and strength, I could not wake up day after day. I am so grateful to my Savior for his promises and his comfort. I am so grateful to my husband and son, both men of unwavering faith in my healing....the two of them are my oxygen and my sunlight.

I have my next PET scan 3 days from now. By Thursday afternoon, I will have an idea of what the next months will mean for me. I pray for good news, and I know God is good and faithful no matter what the news is. I wait on Him until He finishes writing my story.

Happy New Year!

NUMBERS

I have always tried to read through the Bible every year. Sometimes it takes me more than one year because I skip days and get sidetracked with other devotionals and such. In the past two years, my chemo brain has not lent itself to study of any kind, but this fall, I made the commitment to start again.

I LOVE Genesis and Exodus. I could read the stories of Joseph and Abraham and Moses over and over. My intent is always to study one chapter each day and really meditate on what God is telling ME in that chapter. In the first two books, I get so involved that I read multiple chapters. It is better than any biography.

But then, Leviticus. Leviticus weighs me down every time. Too confusing. Too technical. Too many details of ancient Hebrew offerings, laws, punishments and ceremonies. I admit to skimming here.

I just finished Numbers. The many pages of census taking is laborious for me and feels irrelevant (knowing that the leader of Simeon’s tribe is Shelumeil son of Zurishaddai does not make me a better Christian). More rules for offerings that I usually skim. But then, yes, “the story” continues. The Israelites leave Sinai and journey on to take the Promised Land God has told them is theirs. God gives the promise…..they seek its fulfillment.

Numbers has struck a chord with me in a whole new way as I read it through eyes (one with an annoying detached vitreous, mind you) that are colored with cancer. This book really spoke to me this month as I read it. I too am between a promise and its fulfillment.

Numbers is filled with cycles of rebellion and belly-aching from the nation of Israel. They complain about everything from manna to the prospects of defeating the foreigners inhabiting the Promised Land, to the way Moses is handling his job. There is repentance and then as the Israelites cry out in desperation for forgiveness, God gives it. As soon as they sin again, God withholds His blessings until their impatience and irritation and lack of faith get the best of them and they repent. The cycle was to be repeated for centuries.

What spoke to me? God’s promises are fulfilled because of FAITH and ENDURANCE. I have to give those to my Father God. That’s what He asked of His chosen people. It is all He asks of any of us. He basically promised Israel everything they could ever want, IF they would simply trust Him and be patient for the promise to be fulfilled in His time.

God was looking for their faith and their character in that span between the promise and the fulfillment. That’s what He demanded. Be holy. Worship Me and only Me. Obey My commands. Stay in relationship with Me. Wait in faith that I will do what I said I will do. I cannot lie. Persevere. Trust Me with your whole heart.

It is exactly what God is asking of me. God has promised me healing through His Word. He cannot lie. I believe it is mine. It has not manifested itself on a computer screen, but that means nothing in the world of faith. I have a promise. I await its fulfillment. God reminded me through Numbers that he wants my patience and my faith without any complaining. I am determined to give my God exactly that.

THE LORD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU; THE LORD MAKE HIS FACE

TO SHINE UPON YOU AND BE GRACIOUS TO YOU; THE LORD TURN HIS FACE TOWARD YOU AND GIVE YOU PEACE.

Numbers 6:24-26

GETTING BETTER

Healing is on its way, both for the bronchitis/laryngitis and depression. I hate that I got that gene; my grandmother and her father both had to deal with it. But I know how fine life feels when the sun comes out again. People who have never walked in the darkness of depression can never fully appreciate the joy of what a normal mundane day can feel like. It is coming.

We went to Fargo for Christmas Eve and had a really nice visit with my parents. It was a quick trip, but a fun one.

I came home to the news of yet another friend dying of lung cancer. That makes 5 deaths of neighbor/cousin/3 friends dying in less than a year of the same disease. It is hard on my heart, but I stay faithfully believing in the promises in Scripture that reassure me that healing is coming.

A happy new year to all of you who still peek at this blog. I do not have much to offer anyone in these posts, but it is therapeutic for me, and so I continue. 

TRUST

My life with lung cancer has been a game of Jenga, only the pieces are not wood, they are crystal. And this weekend, when it toppled over, it shattered. Pieces of myself, my husband, fears, anxieties, strivings, physical problems, energy……EVERYTHING shattered. It was a weekend where my neediness was just too much for my caregiving husband, a weekend where all the energy it takes to hold fast to faith and belief in healing nose-dived, a weekend where the dark tunnel swept down again to engulf me.

After an act of surrender, I am left to sweep up the remains. It is not easy when you are besieged with physical illness every other day. It is not easy when yet another friend (from Minnesota) has just died from lung cancer. It is not easy when the tunnel presses down and squeezes out fears that I would be best off in some mental institution. (Satan has tried that lie out on me many times and I buy into it every time)

I read in a devotional that faith is an act of will and belief is an act of the mind. I have had both, in great quantities, praise God. But the energy they both take has taken a toll. It has brought me to a place of TRUST. It is not the same thing. Trust is rest. It is an act of the heart, an act of love. The only thing I have to give right now is trust. Abiding. Resting. Trusting. It is a quiet act, a humble act. It is a place that is maybe where I should have been long before this.

I can’t read any more books about healing. I don’t have any more energy to rebuke Satan’s attempts to keep me afflicted all the time. All I have left is my Bible and a simple, “God, I love you, I worship you and I trust you.” I have lost none of my complete faith in healing. I have taken God at His Word and believe it shall be so. But I feel as if I have strived too hard to keep it at a level that almost made it into “works.” It has never been about the amount of faith I have….as if my working toward it would make it so. It has always been about grace. My healing is about what HE has done on the cross. That, and that alone. And, like salvation, all I need to do is simply accept it in faith. Jesus took my disease to the cross and redeemed it. I only need to sit back and trust Him. Abide in Him. Rest in Him.

Trust is hard. It requires a Type A person to do nothing except rest in the arms of her Heavenly Father and say, “Daddy, you promised me healing. And I will wait here in your arms until you make that known. I trust you to the ends of the earth that you are who You say You are. I rest here.”

And so it goes. Plodding through the dark tunnel once again. Learning to trust. And nothing more.

Prayers for this new phase of my life are welcome. It is a hard time of year to walk in the fog.