Wednesday, January 12, 2011


My blood work was good again. They stuck me once and the vein collapsed on them, so the tech asked me why I wasn't getting my CBC done with a finger prick. She said all they really needed was about a teaspoon or so of blood. Since they always have taken a whole vial, I assumed they needed that much. I gladly told her to go ahead with that, and they got what they needed. It took a bit more time but I have plenty of that.

I had a really tough night last night. I felt as though all my faith was siphoned out of my heart and soul and lungs. I cried for the life I used to have. I cried for the life I now need to live in the land of cancer. I cried about the possibility that God will not heal me from this. I cried because I yearn to think about the mundane and now my thoughts are all about the serious. I cried because I have caused heartache to my family. I cried because you simply never hear of miracle healings. I cried for the days I lose every month lost in a haze of chemo.

Bless my precious husband for always being there for me and holding me and letting me wallow only so long before he reminds me that we do not give up our commitment to stand on God's Word about healing. He has been so strong in his faith in the Word. The Word is true and God is true to His Word. Either the Bible is all true or it is all a big lie. You can only view it one way. I know it is truth.

Today when I woke up, I realized that I have only one choice. I either believe in my dying within a year's time, or I believe in my healing, and spending the rest of my life testifying to the Lord's awesome power as Healer. The former does not allow me to put one foot in front of the dips me into despair and sorrow. I must hang on to the choice to live, the choice to stand on God's Word about healing.

I know He doesn't judge my temporary wavering. Jesus spent time as a human and knows emotions. I just need to get back and gird myself up again. My Wednesday prayer partners will be here today and it couldn't be a better day to have them cover me with prayer.


Anonymous said...

Hi Mary, I'm just catching up on your blogs since Thanksgiving & Christmas were a whirlwind of activity, not to mention the more than 5 plus feet of snow we got here in northern MN. I loved your comment about "Don't ask me how I am", just fade into the wall...etc., I can empathize with that. Maybe God is blessing you through this terrible illness with another gift, that of writing, which in both grammar and in content reflects so very well your feelings, as well as the impact on your daily living activities. I think God may be healing you for similar written work to share with others. My prayers & hugs, Pat

Cole said...

I cannot imagine your daily struggles, Mary, they must be overwhelming. I know I still see things more through your son's eyes than your own because of my experience.

I'm just so thankful you & your husband hold so tightly to God's promises. You do have the choice to do otherwise, but I'm so thankful you wake up daily and choose to trust God at His word.

May you be blessed today and feels waves of His peace washing over you.

Pipsylou said...

oh, love! temporary wavering is's what we decide to do with it in the LOOOOOOOOOONG haul, you know?

so many worries flood my mind tonight and, like you, I am CHOOSING peace!