HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019

We are on the precipice of a new year. 3 more days of 2018. Where did it go?

I have been off chemo for 8 weeks and was supposed to have scans this week, but the snowstorm kept us from driving up to Sioux Falls. They are scheduled for next week. I am eager to see what they find off the ugly drug. If they insist I go back on (if the scans are bad), I am going to go back to a 90 mg pill instead of the 120 mg I was on. 

We spent a couple days with Sam and Gretchen this past weekend in Minneapolis. They had to leave Christmas Eve morning to get to her home for Christmas. We drove home right after they left and spent a quiet night in front of the tree opening our gifts for each other. Richie was gracious enough to watch a Hallmark movie with me Christmas night.!!!

We've had a 2-day snowstorm and its back to super cold temps. I can't wait til our weeks in Florida approach.

My niece Betsy and I are just finishing up a book we have been doing for the last couple years. She is an amazing illustrator and I can't wait to see the finished product. It honors all of the little "ditties" my Czech grandmother sang to us/told us.

My body broke out in bumps 10 days ago. I mean ALL over. I was like a gravel road to touch. I did go to the doctor, as it freaked me out a bit, and she consulted my dermatologist in the city. The dermatologist prescribed me a steroid drug to rub on my whole body twice a day. 3 days later, the bumps turned bright red, like acne. Nobody could guess what it is. It is finally, now, starting to get lighter red with fewer bumps. STRANGE. Hope this was a once-in-a-lifetime oddity.

Well, blogger friends, I wish you all a joyous new year. May God give you all of His richest gifts. 

Peace and love, M

FIRST MONTH OFF CHEMO

I've been a month off chemo and have welcomed the small changes. I am steadier on my feet, have had less vertigo, and a little more energy. Unfortunately I thought I would gain an appetite and put on some pounds, but I've only gained 1 pound. Maybe in December. I eat every 2 hours and eat at meals as much as my stomach can hold, but still no luck. I inherited my mom's high metabolism, I guess.

My doctor wanted to try me on a drug, a marijuana-derivative, which increases appetite, but when I found out it would cost me $400, I pulled the plug on that. I am searching OTC appetite stimulants.

I've had some stomach issues; frequent belly aches which have required lots of Tums. I am ready to go in to my family doctor and make sure I don't have an ulcer.

So 4 more weeks off chemo. I am hoping to see more change for the better. I did have a "moment" yesterday when I found I could step out of the shower (tub) without holding on to the towel bar. Haven't been able to do that in years. And I was able to put on my underwear without leaning against my dresser! Small, but great victories for me!

We loved having Sam and Gretch here for Thanksgiving.  We connect too rarely these days. They had a wedding in northwest Iowa on that Saturday so we babysat the dog. Captain decided that Richie's "man cave" was his new place in the house and laid all afternoon at his feet watching sports. In fact, when Richie went upstairs to get anything, the dog would not follow him. Well, it is the only carpet he is allowed on in the house and it is pretty plush. He's a smart dog. They even slept down in the man cave that night!! Pretty cute.

Today has been our first snow storm. I think we are going to by-pass the predicted 10-12 inches. So far, we have about 4-5 and it is slowing down. Back to snow-packed roads.

I have been able to lay aside all my fears about tumors growing during this drug holiday. I guess I am just so assured in my faith that God has me protected that fear (Satan) had not been able to get a foothold. I trust that lasts through December.

I wish you all a very joyous Christmas and I hope the love of Jesus finds its way into all your hearts.

BOLD DECISION

As of 30 minutes ago, I took my last chemo pills for the next two months. Bold-----and yet not.....decision. My scans of last week were unremarkable. Minute changes. I was going to ask my doc anyway for a drug holiday for a month, but circumstances changed it up.

I found out last week that the Plan D drug plan I chose was very unethical and on the day I was to use them for the first time, they doubled what they had quoted us TWICE. So when we started looking at new Plan D companies, we realized that if were to use it, the deductible kicks in right away of course and those large monthly co-pays. Then in January it all resets and I have to pay the deductible all over again. 

We're talking thousands, not hundreds here. Honestly they "punish" people with pre-existing conditions and expensive drugs. Someone needs to do something about drug costs. I would vote for anyone.....Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Alien.....if they were dedicated to Pharmaceutical Reform. So, for financial reasons, I am holding out til January (my doc really has no say in my decision...I sure it would be AMA).

The bigger factor is my faith. If I believe that God is healing me and will totally heal me in His time (He has kept me alive with stage 4 lung and brain cancer for 8 years), then I should not have to worry or stress that I am not taking these drugs for 8 weeks. I believe God has me covered and delivered and doesn't need any assistance from the medical realm to keep my tumors from growing larger or proliferating. I am at peace with the decision. My bigger fear is that I will feel so good OFF the chemo, that I won't want to go back!!!

I had a rare burst of energy today and spent about 5 or 6 hours purging my bedroom. Cleaned out every drawer and my closet (after which my dear husband said, "You really don't have any clothes, do you.?" I have only 26 hangers of all my clothes including pants, sweaters, dresses and tops. Richie has begged me for years to go buy some clothes, but the process of shopping is so distasteful to me, I can't get up the verve to do it.

But I do love to purge. Decided I am holding onto some items way too long. I finally put in the Goodwill pile, an old green acrylic sweater that my sister-in-law Margie handed off to me from her Goodwill pile about 10-12 years ago, so I am making progress. My Goodwill pile is overflowing from today. Never been so proud of the way my dresser drawers and closet look!!!

BEST NEWS EVER:THE POLITICAL ADS ON TV AND ROBOCALLS FOR CANDIDATES WILL BE OVER IN 72 HOURS!!  YAY!! They tax my brain.

I will let you know how I am doing "drugless." Praise God that He is sovereign over chemotherapy. Pray that I remain peaceful about my decision and not start fearing.

I had to get a shot of how I looked on
Medicare Day!!!

HOME FROM THE SPRINGS

I got over a week of vertigo in time to take our trip, only to return home and find myself down with it again. That stuff is so life-altering. Cannot leave the house, laying down most of the day, loss of appetite. No fun.

Our anniversary trip to Hot Springs, AK was OK. We had 3 bad days and 2 good ones. Travel on each end was horrible. We spent both ends in a plane, an airport, a car, dealing with gate changes (multiple) and delays on flights for 10-12 hours. The 2nd day bad was when we drove into HS to check into our luxury motel in the historic district. After waiting in our room for over 2 hours, and having several men checking it out, we realize we were not going to have any heat (it was cold in HS) in this place and so we left. They gave us our money back. We were so counting on staying in the historic district near the bathhouses. A great disappointment. We ended up at a Holiday Inn 7 minutes down the strip. No hot-tub, as an added jab.

The first good day was our couples massages (which were heavenly) and then after lunch we went in the mineral springs in the bathhouse. My expectation for the springs were outdoors and rural. These are all in a large room, divided according to the spring temperature. It was enjoyable to soak for an hour.

The next day, we had a couples massage again and then opted to have facials. I was so limp from relaxation, I could hardly walk. Richie told his masseuse that it was the best deep body massage he had ever had. Ever.

We drove into the HS National Park (short loop), took a walk up the hill behind the bathhouses where we found a natural mineral spring steaming out of the ground. Maybe 5 feet in diameter. Maybe 105-107 degrees. I was unable to immerse 1 finger, it was that hot. It was in a cove of natural rock and it had been exactly what I THOUGHT we were getting when the literature talks about "the springs."

Trying to get rid of the vertigo so I can get my scans done next week. Always anxiety-producing. My faith in healing doesn't waver, but my feelings sure do. I will let ya'll know the results.

You can barely see the steam in this mineral steam.

The grape vines outside our 3rd story motel (which we had to leave)

Richie at HS National Park (at the tower)

Two of the long row of bathhouses in the historic district

All ready for our couples massage

Right after our facials. Are we not "glowing?"

I will blog my scan results, friends.

EIGHT YEARS

I was off the grid and could not post my "prognosis day" picture in August. But now I am back on earth and wanted to simply document it for myself. Eight years of living with stage 4 brain and lung cancer. Praise God.









Happy 35th anniversary to my wonderful husband!!

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN

Recommended:

If you have a couple hours of free time, go to Christopher Robin in a theater near you. The moral of the story is for adults, but the kids will be focused on the animals. It brought Dick and me back 25 years or so when we would sit and read Pooh bear stories to Sam, rocking him and cuddling him. He had a tiny golden Pooh that he carried around, with a golf ball in the other hand!! The songs you will recognize and they will pull right into a state of nostalgia. The "animation" of the gang of friends is beyond amazing. Bring a tissue. Some of Pooh's words will make you "leak."

HAPPY FALL

I am not looking forward to winter. The more weight I lose and the colder the temps get, I shiver a whole lot. I am trying to put on pounds, even by having an occasional sweet, but I cannot get enough calories in, no matter how hard I try. It is SO frustrating. I'm sure my lack of a hearty appetite is chemo-related.

Richie and I went to the Bills/Vikes game last Sunday. Sloppy game, but win or lose, we always enjoy the atmosphere and energy of US Bank Stadium. My daughter-in-law gave me a very cool Vikings sweatshirt as a birthday gift that I wore so I was purple too!!

We are back in the groove at long last. Getting back to volunteer work is meaningful. Getting back to our church family is even more so. Starting next week I am  volunteering at the elementary school with kids who need help with reading or groups who are gifted and need more stimulation and challenge.

We got back into our wellness center workout schedule and while it just counteracts the chemo's side-effects, working out helps me not lose more strength. My muscles are so frail that it becomes a given that I will pull or strain one of them several times a week.

I brought home a little bookcase from the lake that I am stripping and refinishing. Like an airhead, I painted it green one year and stripping has been quite a challenge, but we are finally ready for the sanding man (Richie) to start the next step with the electric sander. I have special plans for it.....it has a special origin.

In 35 years of marriage, Dick and I have never indulged ourselves in any way. Well, we've purchased cars when ours tallied 16 and 17 years but that is more a necessity. We are nothing if not on the bottom of the scales for treating ourselves over 35 years.. We are the couple who eats out maybe twice a year (unless we travel); the couple who will turn down the heat in the house and use a space heater in the room we are in, rarely exchange birthday or anniversary gifts.

Well, we decided 2 days ago to dip our toes into the cream of indulgence and take a 35th anniversary trip to a mineral springs spa. It has been a dream of mine for many many years. We are going full-tilt and getting massages, and facials and we intend to sit in the hottest springs we can stand.....several times each day. I can't wait. We spent many hours researching the country for the one we wanted. It took a whole day. But reservations are now made and confirmed!! I have never done anything this spontaneous before!! I may never return!!!

My doctor scheduled my next lung scan for the end of October. I suggested we wait another month for the brain scan. My eye doctor reports that I am about a year away from cataract surgery. The chemo has taken much of my peripheral vision. And the center vision is getting worse. She ordered me a higher RX on my right contact which has really  really helped. 

My ENT finally diagnosed an ear issue I've had for 6 weeks where my hearing one one side suddenly goes into a tunnel and I feel like I have to pop that ear but can't. She said my Eustachian tubes have atrophied since chemo and I need to counteract that by eating more food and hydration plus sinus spray called Ipratropium Bromide. It is meant to make my tubes more pliable and soft. Hope it works.


Have a wonderful fall!!

PART 2

 I finally got the pics downloaded but this blog would only allow me to put these 5 up. Rats. I do not like when methodologies change when I am off the grid.  Well, I am gonna ask around and see if anyone can tell me what to do to get the rest of these from my download file to this blog. Anyway, before they shut me off, here were the first 5.

Boating on the lake with Sam

Mandatory rest period for my woodsman

The day I planted my very first garden

The day I had to pull up my pretty garden.

While we were taking shifts power washing the deck, Dick left me a sweet
"Dick loves Mary" message for me to see when I went out to take my shift.
Can you tell how much ground-in pollen and dirt we had? We do it every year
because of the buildup. The pollen in the north woods is heavy.

Sam and Gretchen got us this wonderful tent which we used as a game room,
reading-the daily paper room, and also put a gravity chair in there for naps.
 It was such a nice addition.

HI AGAIN

Back on the grid, friends! Had a wonderful summer. The fiber-optic cable that we were promised 2 years ago made it up to our house, but we can’t get it activated til next spring. It will be SO nice to be able to have the internet!! We still won’t be able to use our phones because we may only get 1 bar if we’re lucky, but we WILL be on-line and we’re happy about that.

We went to my sister and brother in law’s anniversary party in Iowa, and my niece’s wedding in Frazee, MN. Also had a wedding up here at our chapel. Went back to Sioux Falls after the Frazee wedding for a doctor’s appointment and had to end up staying a whole week. 

My doc recommended trying an increase in my daily chemo and the side effects have increased. Much more muscle and joint pain and imbalance. We’ll see if the increase  is doing anything after the next scans.  I celebrated my 8 year anniversary of my diagnosis in August and I am so grateful to God for the extended years of life.

The biggest loss for me this summer was not blueberry picking. Dick took me once and we quickly realized that I am too crippled to do it alone. Every time I needed to move to a new patch, I had to call Dick away from his patch and have him lift me up and move me to a new patch. I quickly deduced that I was more of a hindrance to the effort than a help. So Dick became picker extraordinaire and spent many hours in the hot sun securing our lot for the year. Coming home with fish fillets and blueberries always feels good.

I spent the lion’s share of my summer reading novels and more novels and a half-dozen non-fiction books. I bet I read upwards of 30-35 books. Dick laughs at me because when I would run out of books, and knew I couldn’t drive to town to the library for a day, my reading addiction becomes obvious. I pace, I get anxious, I feel a physical NEED for a book. My dad’s genes…..only more potent!

I did plant my very first flower garden in the brick bed I made last summer with Dick’s help. I know NOTHING about gardening, but it turned out to be lovely array of purple fountain grass and polka-dot plants. I nearly cried when I had to pull each one out a few days before we left.

Sam came up on 3 weekends. His schedule is so packed, he doesn’t have the time to come home to “Sam’s Place” (a sign an older friend made for our house when he was born) very often. But every time was great fun, with laughter and closeness.

Dick worked nearly 6-8 hours per day with some sort of maintenance project or another. He made me some beautiful cedar shutters for all the cabin windows which we will install next spring. I can’t even begin to count the dead trees in the woods which he chopped up and hauled off.

I am trying to figure out how to get my pictures downloaded. Somehow GMAIL changed everything over the summer about receiving pictures. It used to be so easy. Dick will help me and I'll post them tomorrow.

HEADED NORTH SOON

Hi, my faithful blog followers: I have a feeling you won't hear a great deal from me this summer. Once again, while we were promised internet this year at the cabin, the company is being very vague about it. So we needed to order a landline so we would at least have some means of communication with the world. 

The loss of being able to email friends is frustrating. Texting occasionally gets thru the woods, but rarely, and often a day later. The facebook break will be healthy and is something I am ready to do. Until Mark Zuckerberg makes good on his promises to transform facebook into what it used to be (personal and not so commercial), then stepping away will be a good thing for me.

Richie finished up his third round of antibiotics and we hope this will be a permanent cure. He is never going to Haiti again (my orders, his choice).

I don't have to be back for brain and lung scans until mid-July. I am SO ready for the scans to be clear of all tumors. God has been chipping away at my healing for almost 8 years. I would love to see its manifestation.

Y'all have a great summer and I will try to update after my scans, if not before. God's blessings, Mary

TWISTS AND TURNS

I don't even remember April....it went so quickly.....a month of hope and then snow.....hope and then snow again. An April 14 blizzard. It is over 70 here today and I opened a few windows. Feels like heaven.

My uncle Bob died a couple weeks ago and Dick and I spent last week driving to Midland, Michigan for his funeral. His death is a big loss for me and my 2 brothers and cousins. He was the patriarch of the Hieb clan. His death passes down that term to my older brother Mike and to me, as the matriarch. We're the trunk of the tree now, not the branches. Not a designation that either of us wanted. In my own nuclear family, my only nephew (a Hieb) is having his first baby in June. If he ends up having girls, the Hieb name ends in our branch of the Hieb family. If he has a boy, the name endures for another generation.

We were gone for a week and Dick had a recurrence of the clostridium starting on the 4th day of travel. (again, REALLY?) He dealt with it for 3 days before we decided to leave earlier than expected, after the funeral and dinner, so that we could get a jump on getting home to his doctor. We opted for the ferry across Lake Michigan to Milwaukee to save some time and he was able, finally, after 4 days of symptoms, to get into the doc and get started on yet another (3rd) round of antibiotics. It doesn't even need to be said that he regrets going on the Haiti trip for what it has cost him and caused him.

After a month of looking and talking, we decided on a car to replace the totaled Envoy. Sad to think of our beloved "Fred" sitting in a salvage yard in Minneapolis. We took our 17-year-old Rosie to Michigan, her final road trip before she becomes the town car. The looking is over and that makes me enormously happy. A painful process.

I have been going to physical therapy with a PT who is specially trained in vertigo/balance issues, which I have. He has to INDUCE those symptoms in me to do the necessary work and it is not fun. But I hope to progress. 

When I reflect on this cancer road and how it has twisted and turned, I feel like such a different woman than I was in 2010 when they gave me 16 months to live. I cannot do a great deal of what I used to be able to do....those are losses I live with daily. On the other hand, my faith is stronger, my belief in healing is real, and I think I have become a softer, more compassionate woman. I ask God every day to show me where I can be a blessing to somebody else experiencing grief, loss, sickness, alienation, fear, anxiety, depression or
hopelessness.

When I was working at the food pantry the other day, a client came in who I had never seen before. She was a beautiful cocoa-skinned woman with a "chemo hat" on her head. I heard one of the other volunteers mention cancer and I felt like I could be bold enough, as a fellow cancer patient, to introduce myself and ask her how she was doing. She introduced herself to me and gave me a summary of where she was at. I told her how well I understood what she was experiencing.....from the chemo fog to hair loss to memory loss. We talked at length. 

She was encouraged that my hair grew back (as ugly as it is). I asked her if she had a faith she could rely on. She is a Christian and an avid pray-er. We promised each other to put each other in our prayers. I got her phone number, and after running into her twice at Walmart and once again at the food pantry, I feel convicted that the Lord wants me to do more. I am going to invite her over for tea on a day when she is not reeling from chemo side-effects.

I am not a Mormon but I do appreciate what the LDS president said to Mitt Romney's mother, who was going blind at the end of her life, "Only the wounded can fight in the Lord's army."  I am one of those wounded warriors who wants to fight with and for others, especially those who are experiencing the same issues I have dealt with over the decades.

Moving north for the summer is only a few weeks ago and I am FAR from ready. But whatever I forget to pack (and my compromised brain promises I will), if I have some good books, flip-flops, sunscreen and a brimmed hat, I should be good.

I saw on Facebook: The governor of MN has ordered that all residents must remove their fish-house off the lake by July 3rd so they can set up for fireworks. I am not laughing too much. Last week we heard that our ice is still about 30 ft deep!!

May your May be full of sun and warmth. We ALL deserve it, no matter where we live!!

Our very comfortable ferry across Lake Michigan

Nicer than a plane for comfort!! There were only about 15 people on the ferry. It had only opened for the season the day before!

Lake Michigan. 

All the Hieb cousins (2 could not come)

All the Hieb cousins with several of their spouses and my Aunt Nancy. We know how deeply she is missing Uncle Bob.

MY 5 GIRLS

Going through piles of stuff, I came upon these pictures from 2014 at my nephew's wedding. It made me stop and pause and think about how blessed I am to have my "girls", my nieces. They are pictured here with Sam at the reception. As I have been so close to them, I regret that none of them now lives close to Vermillion. They are all happily married and 4 of them have children of their own. The youngest, Maddie, is getting married this summer, and then the era of Hieb grandchildren weddings will be over.

God did not give me a daughter, but he gifted me with these five sweet girls who feel like daughters to me. When I used to live in Duluth, I got to babysit ALOT for the oldest two. I was single and it became like an adjunct job. (I should remind my brother how much money I saved them all those years!!! Ha.) 

I loved every second I spent with them. I "claimed" Anna, the oldest, as my own when I would take her shopping with me and people would comment on how cute my daughter was. I just smiled and said, "Thank you."

My mom was the caregiver for her aunt, who lived to be 102. One of these dear nieces of mine may end up being my caregiver some day if I am alone. Who knows? All I do know is that they love me dearly and show it/say it and I am so blessed they are in my life. 

From left, Kate, Betsy, Gretchen, Sam, Maddie, Anna

Me with Anna, my first niece, my "goofy twin", as we still call each other.
Our baby pictures look very similar.

Me with Anna, Gretchen, and Betsy

A TOUGH WINTER AND SPRING

Another road trip delayed....this time by Dick's health. Another tough break in this long, cold, incident-filled winter (yes we are still seeing snow). He has felt lousy for a week and finally went into the clinic yesterday. Ironically the Haiti mission trip has come to bite him in the rear once again. The powerful antibiotics that he had to take for the MRSA and cellulitis he came home with have created a virus in his bowels called clostridium difficile. Now he has to take more strong antibiotics to get rid of this. He has felt really lousy and tired and spent about 9 days on the sofa. I pray these meds will alleviate it. Apparently many people who take it have a recurrence. I so don't want that for him.

I have turned into chief cook and bottlewasher, along with handling all the affairs around the house and errands/shopping. I do so with a generous heart full of gratitude for all the times he has taken over for me these past 7 years. 

I do not know if we will take the new trip or when.

Car? Nope. Too dang cold to wander around outside looking at cars. Tried 2 Fords here in town. One is a contender. Someone needs to develop a facility with ALL brands/models of cars which are all INSIDE of an enormous showroom. A couple of airplane hangars??

I am up 6 pounds as of today. YAY!! I look forward to the day when I can lose the butter and whole milk and large amounts of proteins. Back to 2% milk (though I really haven't minded the whole milk----it really is tasty. I may keep the ice cream in my diet!!

Sam came home for a day and a half and it was so special, as always. We fall into all our old routines and traditions and it feels like the family is whole again for that time. He adds such energy and humor to our lives. So wish he lived closer.

Yesterday was a fun day, as 3 of my friends had babies within hours of each other. One was the daughter of a dear friend. This makes 6 babies of friends/nephews in the past 2 months. 

I am trying out a new pair of hearing aids....to compare.....and they have a third pair ready for me to try out. If I am gonna shovel out this much cash for them, I better get the best I can get! I am adjusting as well as I can. 

Please send a prayer up for Dick's infection and that healing would be rapid. Thanks.

STABLE

We went to the city to get scan results yesterday. They were good. My brain only has 3 small tumors in the frontal lobe (down from 3 years ago when the radiation doc said,"You have too many brain tumors to count. Get your affairs in order). I have 1 tumor on the bottom-side of my left lung. It looks as if the rest in lung have calcified. Bottom line: "Stable disease." And I can stay on my half dose of chemo. My doc was pleased.

I had a light bulb moment on the drive home. I have total faith that God is going to heal me. But now, I believe He is not going to do a divine all-at-once healing. I think He is just chipping away at it little by little. Yahweh must have His reasons for this method. All I can do is trust Him. And I do.

We stopped at a car dealership on the way home. Painful. Richie liked a Subaru Outback. I did not. End of that story. The prices these days are staggering. Note the our most recent car-buying was in 2001, 17 years ago when you could still get a nice new car for $24000 or less. So we are skewed in our thinking, learning to accept that car prices rose significantly without us knowing!! It will be a miracle if we agree on anything.

In the meantime, one car is working out fine. We just took it in and Bob, our mechanic, gave it a physical, did $300 of change-outs (plugs, etc) and proclaimed it in fine shape. We are ready to take her on a road trip. Most people would not trust a 200,000 mile 17-year-old car for a road trip, but Rosie has never let us down.

God's fingerprints were all over our trip cancellation. We followed our route down (weather) and now are following what would have been our week in Florida. We would have traveled in rain 5 days out of 7, driving through the bottom edge of that Nor'easter, and ending up in an unusual week in Florida, with highs in the mid 60's and 1 day of rain. They only have 1 day this week scheduled for 70 degrees. I am too tense to drive in rain so my husband would have had to do nearly all the driving. Just like God told me to cancel our 2 planned trips to Savannah, both of which had hurricanes the weeks we were supposed to be there, I believe He saved us from a crummy and cool vacation.

I have GAINED 4 POUNDS!! Yippee! 5 more to shoot for!!

Happy St. Paddy's Day. 

COMING UP INTO THE LIGHT

I am breaking through the gray and black and seeing the light above me. I feel so much better than when I last posted. Isolating myself and dealing with all this physical and emotional stuff has been good for me.

Between influenza, incessant coughing, and blizzards, I have had to re-schedule my brain scan 5 times in 3 weeks. I was on for this Friday, and very relieved the scan would be over and then they called yesterday and canceled because their radiologist couldn't be there. SO. Monday it is. Unless we have another snowstorm.

I did have another appointment with my palliative care team and the bottom line is that I told them I took myself off Hydrocodone completely and I feel so much better without it. The pain is not worse without it, so why take it? Nourishing my body is #1 goal. What they want me to eat goes against everything I believe in and the opposite of how I have cooked and eaten for 30 years. She wants me to bulk up on butter, whole milk (ugh), cream, high protein items, ice cream, Ensure shakes, etc. I have gained 3 pounds this week already, doing the diet. I have to eat every 2 hours, even if it is an inch of banana with peanut butter.

 She told me to make pies and cookies and eat them liberally (my husband, sitting next to me, grinned sheepishly and said, "Pecan pie?" and she laughed and said, "Yes, by all means, and put ice cream on it." Well, THAT is not going to happen. One night I ate a small caramel-chocolate ball and almost wanted to puke  from the sugar. When you haven't used sugar for as long as I have (4 months), anything sweet makes you sort of sick. Richie made me some pudding (cooked, not instant) and I can get about 1/4 cup of that down pretty easily. So we are keeping pudding on hand. I think pecan pie, the sweetest of ALL desserts, will have to wait. 

All of these suggestions were given to me days before by Anna, my niece, who works in palliative care and knew exactly what I needed to nourish myself. I am so grateful to her

Richie is done with his strong antibiotics to counteract the cellulitis and MRSA. His finger is better, but not healed yet. He thinks he is going to lose the nail.

We finally, after 3 weeks, got resolution from the insurance about the totaled car yesterday. They are not quick to act when they are paying out......

We stopped at 2 dealerships when we were in the city one day, and looked at a few things. If we ever agree on an automobile, it will be a miracle. Truly. We are looking for such different things. Oh, I detest this car shopping. I think we are doing fine with our one 17-year-old Caravan, and I don't see the need to hurry the decision.

Sam got the call for 2 of the quarter-final and 2 of the semi-final games (in the top class) at the MN State Hockey tournament starting tonight and tomorrow night. And then he got the call to broadcast the championship game in the class below the top class. We are so proud. We can't wait to hear him on live stream radio.

We canceled our trip because we were both not 100%. And for the 3rd time, God's fingerprints were all over that decision. We would have been traveling this whole week in a SE direction. We have tracked every day where we would have been traveling, and it has been cool and 80% rain in every location. I don't drive in rain other than a drizzle so Richie would have had to drive most of the way. We would not have enjoyed any of the scenery at all. The other two times we had plans to go to Savannah, God gave me the impression I was supposed to cancel. Both times, there was a hurricane the week we would have gone.. SO thankful for His guidance.

When we are both 100% healed in every way, we are going to drive down to the Grand Canyon, which neither of us have seen.

I thank all of you who prayed for me in this gray season. I felt your prayers.

When I get my scan results, I will let you know.

God bless you all.

BREAK

I'm going to take a break, friends. I have so much going on physically that is not right, and I am battling this depression again. I have scans rescheduled once again for next week. I have 4 medical appts within the coming 6 days and I know that has added to my anxiety. I hate the scans. I feel as if I need to just isolate myself in the arms of God and work on this. I am so weak and malnourished right now that I need to concentrate on food. Anyway, I will see you on the backside of all this.

Satan is trying hard to "kill, steal and destroy," (John10:10) but I have faith that he will have no victory.

13, 14, .....

Today has been no better.

13. Snow was the culprit this time for having to cancel for the 2nd time, all my scans. I got up at 5:00 and checked the road reports and the trip to the city said,"Ice, slippery, snow." We checked again just before we would have had to leave and it was unchanged. After you total a car on black ice 6 days prior, you are no longer foolish about taking the risk. So.....folks....I may never get scanned.

14. Felling lousy again today; stomach problems, down, major lethargy.

15. Dick got a phone call from the doc who did the path report on his infected finger. He has  MRSA in his system! Lord, that was not what he needed. He went in to have his excised hip checked but he can't remove that bandage off til Sunday. He cannot do anything with that hand with the finger pain. I pray these strong antibiotics can wipe out the MRSA.

16. I spent over 4 hours on the phone with my phone company today trying to troubleshoot another problem. I got a new phone 1 week ago and spent 2 hours troubleshooting a malfunction. I sent it back and they sent this new one, which I activated today. Then spent 4 hours trying to get the text function working. My body ached from sitting that long. They erased my new phone and I told them I would try to get it going on my own. Low and behold, I solved the original problems all on my own. Me, the techie-zero.

17. I am so weak and malnourished and my husband is now forcing me to eat every afternoon and every morning to supplement my 100 pounds. Maybe my palliative care team will help me with this too. Since the flu, I've just had no appetite.

I am hoping my laundry list of woes ends today.