Tuesday, December 7, 2010

NOT GREAT NEWS

Before chemo-brain fog sets in tomorrow, I thought I would update everyone on today. I drove over to my appointment today hoping for and believing that the tumors would have shown some shrinkage. They have not. They have not grown, which is good, but they have not decreased. For the hip tumor, which cannot be re-radiated, this is particularily discouraging. In addition to that, my tiny veins did not do well all morning and they had to stick me 5 different times (I hate needles).

I must admit I had a pity party when I got home. D came home right away and we talked alot. The worst thing that could happen is that I lose my faith focus. I must believe that God's delays are not his denials. This I should know having endured nearly 7 years of infertility. Every month felt like another NO from God. It was not. It was a NOT YET.

I talked to my spiritual mentor and Wednesday prayer partner, MR tonight and she reminded me that I did not hear from God today. It was not His voice. She reminded me that until we hear His final word on the matter of my cancer, we continue to believe in a healing, in His time. We continue to stand on God's Word and His promises, which we are believing are His will. She reminded me that He has not spoken yet, and He is not done with me yet. I needed to hear those words tonight. 

So while part of my heart feels heavy, I will not stop trusting in the One who has ordered my days and has written ever-so-many promises about healing in His Word. This is my testing ground. When I can't see Him working or don't find a visible sign of His providence, I have to continue to believe.

My son texted me, "Mom you have to have UNWAVERING faith." And then he said on the phone to me, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Ah, so right. And so we finish out my last 2 treatments and then determine where to turn next.

I ask for your prayers that my trust in Scripture be unwavering, that my trust in God's plan for my life is perfect, that my trust in the process of fighting cancer is bearable. Thank you for lifting me and my family to the Father in prayer.

6 comments:

Shirleen HIeb said...

When I wrote you an email earlier, I sat at the computer trying to find the right words. You are so lucky to have, in your life, people who have the 'right words'. ...for you and for me. ...."God's delays are not his denials"..."you did not hear from God today"...."you have to have unwaverling faith"...I love you. Please know that I am on this walk with you, even if we are apart!

love you,
Shirleen

Pipsylou said...

This is so true. This is your test. The tumors have not grown. You know, with all the time you had to wait before starting treatment, that was a huge possibility. We cannot focus on what HAS NOT happened without focusing on WHAT HAS.

I remember sitting with you outside your house, seeing you so full of fear and tears. You WILL NOT go back to that place again. You can not afford to. Sure, you could have heard that the tumors had shrunk, but you could also have heard that they had grown.

Remember when Hannah said, "THIS child I have prayed for?" Not any one, but THIS one? Well, yes...you waited 7 years for THAT child...and what a child he is.

I need to remind you again not to take the pen away...you know where I'm going with this. Take a deep breath, thank God they have NOT grown, one foot in front of the other.


God is not finished with those tumors yet. We mere humans have no idea what sort of miracles are up his sleeves, and He likes it that way.

Anonymous said...

The progress has been stopped!
Praise the lord! He is the the God
that heals, in timetable that can be slower than
expected. Jesus freaked out many people by his reactions to problems.... then he healed.
I believe he will heal you too.

Betsy Hieb said...

Auntie M,

Your head and your heart are in a beautiful place. Don't get discouraged by your occasional bouts of humanity--when you doubt or feel sorrow. Your faith is admirable and is piercing light through the darkness that is cancer. I love you and will continue my prayers for you, Uncle Dick and Sam, as you all make your way through this journey.

I love you to the moon and back,
Bets

Anonymous said...

Mary, this is the first scan, the NEXT one will be the ONE that shows that the tumors are shrinking, don't loose heart. Keep your spirit, and keep fighting, use your power of positive thinking, your faith in God to keep you focused. Allow yourself the tears it is ok to cry, it feels good to let that emotion out, then regroup and throw those shoulders back and take command again.Go outside and yell, " YOU HAVE NOT WON " to Satan/Devil/darkness what ever you want to call it! Your are sooo strong Mary sooo very very strong.
You are amazing Mary !!!
Love you good friend and always praying for you.
Kirnelli

Ronald and Joyce said...

I know this news had to hit like hard and my heart is going out to you, knowing it can be so hard to trust Him for His perfect plan and timing for us. I am continue to pray for His complete healing and strength for you (and the rest of us) to trust Him.