FORWARD PAYMENT

            The other day, as nostalgia reared its sweet head, I popped in a video of Sam’s first week at home. It never fails to make me cry to see the miracle he was, so fresh from God, so desperately wanted and waited for. As I watched the video, I was achingly aware that those first weeks after his birth were a treasure to us in large part because of my precious mom. She came the day of his birth and stayed for two and a half weeks.

            Her commitment to us was an unparalleled gift. Mom did all of the cooking, shopping, laundry, errands, and housecleaning. She took over every task that would take me away from baby care. Mom encouraged me to take naps when Sam napped so I’d be rested. She sent me out for walks to get exercise. She taught us oh-so-many things about caring for an infant that come only with experience. We can still giggle when we remember the antics of Sam’s first bath.

            In the middle of the night, at Sam’s first squeak, by the time I got up and walked the ten steps to his nursery, Mom was already there, changing him and handing him to me to nurse. When I was done, she came back in the room, took him from my arms and burped him, loved on him, and rocked him back to sleep so that I could go back to bed. She gave up sleep so I could have more sleep in those otherwise sleep-deprived first weeks.

            Mom took on all of the work of running our household so that I could spend my days falling in love with my son. She did all the work to gift me with time. Eighteen days that I did nothing but cuddle, rock, kiss, nurse, read to (yeah, we started early), sing to, talk to, and dance with our newborn son.

            On the day Dad came to pick her up, I didn't know how I was ever going to say goodbye to Mom. Through my tears, I tried to express to her our thanks, but words were inexpressible. I remember saying, “I could never repay you for what you have done for us, what you have given to us, the start you have given us on this parenting journey.”

            Mom said, “I do not ever want repayment. It was my joy to do this for you. It was so special to spend these days with you and Sam. You can repay me by doing the same for Sam and his wife someday. Just pass it on. That’s my reward.”

            Taking upon herself all the work so that I would have this cherished block of time with our son was a blessed and undeserved gift, to be sure. And all she wanted was for us to pay it forward.

            While my mom did not suffer torture as she cared for our family, what she did for Dick and me had its roots in what Jesus has done for us all. He did suffer torture….He did all “the work” necessary to give us who choose to follow Him an unspeakable gift. Like my mom’s gift of time, Jesus’ gift was also a block of time. Eternal life. He endured pain, scourging, whipping, and unbearable feelings of abandonment and torment as He accepted His Father’s will that He be crucified. He did it for only one reason. To pay the price for our sins and our diseases. He shed His blood to make us righteous before God so that we would possess and treasure time in eternity with Him.

            And what does God ask us in return? Pay it forward. Tell others about His gift of salvation. Feed the hungry. Tend the needy. Bring the lost to Christ. Spread the gospel with our words, our actions, our lives. He has never wanted us to pay Him back for His sacrifice and we couldn't if we wanted to. It is a free gift of grace to us unworthy sinners. All our Lord wants is for us to share the Good News with those who do not know Him.

            As I reflect on Valentine's Day tomorrow, the day we celebrate "love," it seems to me that the definition of love has been watered down to chocolates and flowers and overused clichés. You don't hear much about sacrifice and selflessness on February 14th. You don't hear much about loving someone so much that all you ask of them is to accept your love and pay it forward.

            In our quid pro quo culture of today, many acts of sacrifice are seen as a waste of time. In God’s economy, sacrifice and devotion to others are the real means to “wealth.” By that spiritual standard, my mom has always been a rich woman. And my Savior? Well, He is the whole bank.

DOWN TO ONE

The chemo won this round. I could not go on any longer being plugged up, and had tried every remedy possible. My oncologist told me yesterday to go back down to a single dose of the chemo, at least for now, to see if we can de-paralyze my colon. I did finally have total relief last night after another 9 days. I will leave out the details, but suffice it to say, there are many definitions of spousal love. I lost 3 pounds in an hour, and started shaking badly because my electrolytes were totally messed up. But today, I have a flat stomach and back to 111 pounds. I was able to get to the wellness center to lift weights again after being unable to function for a week. The sun is shining, it is 40 degrees and I just took a great walk (we still have grass and no snow....it has been a fairly snowless winter). If our house were not in total chaos right now (the dining room is being reno'd) I would see snippets of normalcy today. 

I am well aware that the single doses of chemo, from a pharmacology standpoint, were no longer keeping the cancer cells at bay. But I also have faith that God is still healing, and that He really does not even need chemo at all, so I am accepting this change without much angst. In fact, I may just decide to stay on the single dose, even after my peristalsis is working again. Dick and Sam and I will have to confer about that and make a decision.

I will see an ophthalmologist on Thursday about this vitreous detachment. I think I have a second one in the right eye....the blurry vision is worse. I just need another opinion about whether there is anything at all that could be done about it. If not, another miracle healing to pray for.

HAVE TRIED IT ALL

Time between posts has been occupied with what I had hoped would not happen again. But did. The chemo double dose has shut down my peristalsis. (I should take some pride in what must be close to a world record of "not going" for 11 days) If you have thought it, I have tried it. If it has been manufactured, I have purchased it. If it is an old wives' folk remedy, it has been done. A few of the remedies have been comic relief for Dick and me. And, nothing. 

An x-ray done on Wednesday showed no impaction, and they gave me a new script for something "stronger" which I started yesterday. We will see. I look 5 months pregnant, and am very hard-bellied, but there is only so much one can complain about this side effect without sounding like a 85-year-old, waxing on about her bowels. 

I am grateful I was raised in a family who is quite cavalier and open about bodily functions. When we have to talk about poop, we just do. If I was uptight about this subject, I would be sorely embarrassed by now. It just is what it is. OK. Enough bowel talk.

We praise God for a miracle healing for our friend Darrell up in Minnesota. Almost 5 years of being cancer-free from stage 4 colon cancer, they found a another tumor in the liver. We, and hundreds of others prayed for him, and especially that God would take that tumor out even before surgery. Well, they should have re-scanned him before his 6 hour surgery, because they COULD. NOT. FIND. THE. TUMOR.!! Our great Jehovah-Rapha, Healer God, dissolved the tumor!! No cancer! Sadly, he has to go through a long recovery from the surgery, but his testimony is awesome. Doubters that God still divinely heals today? Take note.

We are continuing to pray boldly for healing for our friend Ken here who is going to have surgery for his brain tumor on Tuesday. If you read this blog post before Tuesday, please pray a prayer for Ken.....and stand in faith for healing for him.

Along with Ken and his wife Earleen and my friend Darrell and his family, my thoughts and prayers this week have also been with my brother-in-law who lost his mom and my sister-in-law who lost her dad. It makes me weep with gratitude that I still have my precious parents in my life. I still need them.

I have the latest manuscript of my book on healing at the printer. I already have 3 people who want copies. Even my best friend's pastor wants one. He has been reading books on healing and when Susan let him read her copy of mine, he said it was the most understandable of all he has read on the subject. I was so humbled by that comment. Understandable was exactly what I was shooting for. Clear and simple proof that healing is what God wants for His followers.

I need to get going. My hubbie and I have date night tonight. At Walmart. Buying groceries. You might think that sounds pathetic, but it is huge step up from the other "dates" we have been forced to have the past 2 weeks, the venue being in the bathroom. Yes. Walmart sounds pretty dang romantic tonight.

THE DEVIL STRIKES AGAIN

On Sunday, our church family was informed that one of our members was diagnosed with a brain tumor. A great guy, man of God, in his '50's, married to a sweet friend of mine. As I looked around the church, I saw tears and more tears. And I, for as emotional of a person as I am, felt not one teardrop eeking its way out of my lacrimal glands. All I felt was a slow, seething, raw anger at Satan. I mean, I came close to standing up in church and yelling at everyone, "Don't be sad! Be MAD! We have to FIGHT this battle with Kenny against the devil who designed tumors to destroy humans' lives." 

I am so tired of cancer assaulting my friends. 5 people in my life----a cousin, a neighbor, a co-worker, and 2 friends have died of lung cancer this year. And now Ken. I am SO angry at the evil in this world personified as cancer. Satan knows where to strike. Because all too many people accept this diagnosis as "God's will." Scripture is SO clear that HEALING is God's will. Disease has NEVER been God's will for his beloved children. 

I am angry. Really really angry. 

On Thursday we are going over to talk to our friends. We know every feeling they have right now. We can feel every fear, every doubt. We know the terror and the grief and the puzzlement and the "This is NOT my life" spiral. We know every lie that the devil is whispering to them right now. We know every scenario he has planted in their minds for their future. We know.

Oh, yes, we know.

But praise to our amazing God for rescuing Dick and Sam and me from the grip of terror. We found the truths about healing in the Bible. We learned them. We believe them. We stand on them. 

I am alive.

I should be dead. Should have been in the crematorium round about October of 2011, at the latest.

Sorry, devil. You talked just a little too much smack for our taste. You have been vanquished in the name of Jesus Christ. 

If they want to hear them, we are going to share with our friends the truths we have learned. If not, that is fine. But we will offer to them the knowledge we have gleaned in 2 1/2 years. If they want to get mad, we are the perfect people to have in the battalion. We are ready to battle the one who is responsible for this tumor. And it isn't God.

Will you please say some prayers for my friends Ken and Earleen? They need peace and discernment and they need the supernatural power of our God to heal this tumor. In the name of Jesus, please claim that for them, because "by His stripes, we ARE HEALED." (Is 53:5)

DDDAY 6

Double-dose day 6. So far, the chemo has not made me sick. For those of you who know my extreme sensitivity to drugs (I get nauseated from Tylenol), this is nothing short of God's grace (not that he needs this drug to heal me by any means). I am having double strength photopsia (flashing lights in my eyes) every morning, which drives me crazy (and is one of the most common side effects of this drug), but it does go away after 10-15 minutes. Other than that, if I can avoid the dreaded chemo-induced bowel issues, I think I have a chance at trying this for a few months. Thank you for all the prayers!!

JANUARY HEALTH UPDATE

I am on my 3rd dose of double-strength chemotherapy, and so far so good. Dick and I are claiming Mark 16:18 as mine, and thus far, the "deadly poison" Jesus talked about has not hurt me, just like He said it wouldn't. I believe that God is protecting my healthy cells.

I have struggled the past 3 weeks with extremely dry mouth and I have no reason for it. The chemo has never had that side effect, and my diet is no different. I wish I had an answer. It is sometimes hard to talk....it is THAT dry. I have tried all of the Biotene products and they last only minutes after using them and are not real effective. If any of you have any ideas on why sudden and intense dry mouth might occur, let me know!

My vitreous detachment has been worse the past 10 days. I have a feeling there may be a second detachment in that right eye, as the blurred vision is pretty constant. It is such a frustration and a loss. We are praying hard for healing of this as well.

Dick's off-hand comment tonight that maybe we should just amputate my right leg sounds like a real consideration! From the stiff hip to painful buttock to painful right kneecap and very sore ankle, I have reached my end of tolerance for the leg. While I can walk, it is hard to stand and hurts all the time. Radiation is a killer.

On the lighter side, I went to a doc's appt in the city last week to see if I can get on top of this depression with meds. I am tired of it sweeping up on me every few weeks. I met with a very nice middle-aged gal. In the course of the first 6-7 minutes, I told her why I needed some tweaking, but did not mention the cancer til later in the conversation. When I did, she said, "Oh, whoa, wait a minute. Hold up. Let's go back. You have cancer?"

"Yep," I replied. "Stage 4 lung cancer."

"When were you diagnosed?" she asked.

"August of 2010," I answered.

Her eyes widened to saucers and she nearly whispered, "And you are ALIVE?"

It was so funny! I'm sure she was expecting me to break into tears, but I thought it was really funny. I got a chance to tell her about my faith in healing! 16 months is the average survival rate. Without God as healer.

She proceeded to ask me all the standard psychiatric questions:

"Are you suicidal?"  (no)

"Do you want to hurt others?" (no)

"Do you obsess over anything?" (I've had to become a germophobe since getting cancer, so I do wash my hands a lot more often to avoid acute illnesses)

"Are you manic? (no)

"Did your parents abuse you?" (no).....(I should have said, if you consider a 10:30 curfew on weeknights in high school as abuse of my social life, then yes.)

"Do you have any friends?" (lots) 

"Do you hear voices?"

I paused (great effect) for a moment and looked her in the eyes and said, "You know, as a matter of fact I do. (now she is wide-eyed again) I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but I am and I know that the devil is alive and well and trying desperately to get me believe all his lies. I hear his taunting in my ears all the time. I hear him scheming over my life and I  continually rebuke him. Now, I don't hear him audibly, but I do hear him, if you know what I mean."

Dr. C simply stared at me, nodded, and was mute. She couldn't say a word! I wanted to howl with laughter!!

It was a productive meeting and she is going to have me start on a little something once my body chemistry adjusts to the double dose of chemo, and we'll see if that can normalize those brain chemicals.

I dream about the day of total healing, and praise God in advance for what is coming. Thank you for all the prayers about the chemo. They have been heard. I am humbled by people still even checking in on this blog after such a long time. You WILL see "God's goodness in the land of the living."

HYPOCRISY

BREAKING NEWS: 

          Reacting to the Sandy Hook School slaughter of 20 children and 6 adults, President Obama on Wednesday formally proposed the most expansive gun-control policies in generations and initiated 23 separate executive actions aimed at curbing what he called "the epidemic of gun violence in this country.”

          While no legislation can prevent every tragedy, he said in announcing the proposals, “if there is even one thing we can do to reduce this violence, if there’s even one life that can be saved, we’ve got an obligation to try.”

          I find it pretty dang difficult to listen to anyone who supports the murder of 1.5 million innocent unborn babies every year talking about eliminating violence against children through aggressive gun legislation.