Wednesday, February 1, 2012


So many of you have been praying about the results of my PET scan…..I owe you a post. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers. They mean so much to me.

The news we got yesterday was not the news we wanted to hear, but it was not the worst news we could have heard either. While the primary lung tumor has not grown, the cancer cell activity within it has almost doubled. The cancer cells adapted to the chemo drug I have been on, and started multiplying again. So that particular drug is useless now. If I had not tested positive for the mutation, they would now be experimenting with other drugs to see which might be effective. But the drug I will start at the end of the week will be targeted for the mutation. Dr. T said, “Mary, at least we have a positive plan for this disappointing news. Just remember that.”

I won’t lie and say we were not disappointed. And by last night I had a total meltdown. Rivers of tears were shed (I don’t know what I would do without my husband). I could literally feel the devil taunting me with, “See, a lot of good your faith has done you. You are gonna be six feet under in no time….” That Scripture verse in 1 Peter 5:8 that describes the devil as a prowling lion looking for someone to devour is SO SO SO true. The enemy was on high alert for my vulnerable heart yesterday and he tried his best to take me to the dark side.

But perspective came. Did this news take God by surprise? Did He take a vacation from His throne? Did the words in Scripture change from Monday to Tuesday? Did God transform Himself from Healer to disease-giver overnight? Are all the promises about healing in the Bible still there, in the exact same chapters they were on Monday? Did God, who is unchangeable, decide overnight that He was going to change His will about healing which is so clear in His word? Has God ever given me His timetable for my healing?

I know every answer to those questions. And because I know the answers, I have faith. My doctor said, “You know, Mary, God’s timing is almost never ours.” Oh, how true!!

When you pray to a big God who does big things when we have big faith, you start having expectations with human timetables in mind. This was not the time God chose to show His power and glory through healing. But I know like I know like I know that He is who He says He is and my unwavering faith in His word about healing is solid. And so we wait. And trust. And have faith…..believing with absolute confidence in that which we cannot yet see manifested in my body, but is being done by the hands of the Creator.

I have to share with you a God-moment that happened to me just before I went to bed. Sitting next to my bed is a little devotional I picked up in Sioux Center, Iowa, where Sam goes to college. I had skimmed through it back in November, but had never really read any of it. I don’t know why I picked it up last night underneath 6 other books I am reading, but I opened it up. This is the page I opened to.

Each of us has experienced the hard task of waiting. Waiting for “the news,” waiting on God, waiting for someone to change, waiting in lament, or waiting in hope. The words of Isaiah 64 rise out of a people who are waiting for God. Though the Israelites have returned home physically, the feeling of being in exile are still with them. They long for God to intervene. They cry out to God to make things right: “Oh, that you would tear open the heavens and come down” (Is 64:1). But they remember the experience of God’s presence on Mount Sinai and the “awesome deeds they did not expect” (Is 64:3).

As they recall God’s faithfulness, a reawakening happens. In their waiting, trust is reborn. Yes, God is trustworthy. Yes, God is faithful. Yes, we remember now “from ages past no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts for those who wait for him (Is 64:4).” We are a people who belong to God. Yes, we are the work of the Father’s hand, the clay, as God is our potter. In their waiting then…..and in our waiting now….the promises of God are more than enough.

The devotion was a little goodnight gift from the One who knows my disappointment, who spoke to my heart from a little dusty booklet I never look at, and who reminds me, “Mary, I am faithful, My promises are enough when you trust Me, and I will act for you because you wait for Me.”


Cole said...

Oh how I love it when He speaks straight to your heart like that! You are exactly right, He is no different because of the results of the scan. He knew the results before the test was ever administered and He knows the exact moment you will hear a different result. Praying for your strength and peace in the waiting period and continue to praise Him for the joy that is to come.

Gretchen said...

The trust and the faith and the peace are all in the waiting. That's the truth!––If opening to that particular devotional was not a sign that He is speaking to your heart, I don't know what is.
I hate this disappointing news. But I know you are healing on His timeline. I hope your strong faith even through this disappointing bump in your journey is bringing you peace. We're praying for your strength every night up here in Minneapolis.
Love you with all my heart!