Monday, November 1, 2010


Well, the skid down into the tunnel has stopped and the car has been turned around. Now I just need a few days to drive out of it!

I wish I could adequately express the chemo brain phenomenon to you. I had read about it prior to the first treatment, and my cancer-survivor friend Darrell had told me sort of what to expect, but until you actually have it and live inside of it, adjectives pale in its description.

At least in MY experience, you live in a bubble. Your senses seem impaired. You seem to not be able to focus on anything at all. I can't read, listen to TV (let alone watch it), think, process (to do a crossword puzzle or such), focus on any task. Conversation is almost painful. The world is happening around you and you are there, but you aren't there! And then when you put my resting heart rate of 90 bpm (for 5 straight days) into the mix, the sleep deprivation, the fever I got from the new drug, and just generally worse gut upset, I found myself wanting only to curl up on my bed in the dark.

Yesterday when I woke up, I could tell that I had plateaued and that I was ready to let my body start fighting the turn-around. Today is still not a good gut feels metallic sort of......and I probably won't answer the phone again today (talking takes too much mental energy).....but I know I am crawling upward. FINALLY! The side effects hit a day earlier and have lasted 2 days longer so far in this round. But, if I can feel myself by Thursday or Friday this week, then I have 10 good days before round three.

I am so grateful to my mom and sis-in-heart who came to be with me when my hubbie left town. It is painful to watch someone deal with all this, and I know they felt that, but they were troopers, and left me to "be" whatever I needed to be and that took pressure off to try to "act well" when I truly didn't feel it.

So thank you all for the prayers this week. Continue to pray that I can feel back to normal this week so that by Saturday, when Sam comes home for his birthday overnight, he can find his "real mom!!"


Cole said...

I will definitely be praying for many good days, but certainly for Sam's birthday visit! Take care and continue to do what you need to do to get back to normal.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mar
I am thinking of you today, and so hopeing that today is a better day ! I know that God is holding you while you are going thru this and whispering comforting words to you.
love you

Anonymous said...

So glad to hear you are climbing back out of the fog....If you aren't up for Mary Ruth and I Wednesday, let me know. But we'd love to come and lift you up in prayer and your spirits.....luvu,julie

Anonymous said...

Wish Sam a very Happy Birthday from Me. I remember the day well.Can't believe he is a young man already.Glad you are coming out from the fog.Hang in there and know there are tons of people praying for you..Love Kay