Friday, August 27, 2010


I sought the Lord and he answered me and freed me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

For three hours this afternoon, I did not cry and I did not feel that ugly fear that has made its nest in my soul. 3 hours. I was actually able to breathe, have some perspective, and think positively about outcomes rather than entertain the worst-case scenario visions that have fed off my fear.

I was born with an over-active fear gene. When I was little, I'd nervously ask my dad if he was sure he knew the way home from my grandparents' home where we would go for Sunday dinner. I was once terrified that my parents had lost all their money when we were at a carnival and they felt they were being ripped off. Fear has trailed me my entire life, and now, when I most need it to be squelched, it has reared its ugly head and settled inside of me as surely as this cancer has. I hate it. It makes me unable to eat. Unable to sleep.

I have been crying out to the Lord about my fears and I know He hears me. I do not have the emotional strength to do this on my own right now. I need God's gentle hand to reach down and remove it. Oh, how I know Satan loves it when he entices me to feel the terror of cancer.

I had three hours today. I will continue to praise God for those 3 hours of feeling like Mary again. She has been wandering in a fog of emotional pain for 15 days, and I miss her. I miss her laughter and her ability to care about others. I deeply miss her. Oh, Lord, find her and bring her back.

If specific prayer requests make sense (they always do for me) for you, then pray that I could mute the fears that fog my world right now. Thank you for praying this morning for me......God answered those prayers with 3 special hours and I am hanging on to the normalcy of those 180 minutes, even as they already seem like a distant memory.

My sweet friend Robin not only brought a wonderful dinner over tonight, but spent time with me this morning encouraging me. As a professional counselor, she really felt that Dick and I needed to get into counseling to deal with all this and she is SO right. We will do that this week.

I can't even begin to thank you all for your loving support. This will be a long journey, and one that has even barely begun, so I hope that you can stick in there with us. We need you all.

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