The past 48 hours have been painful and sorrowful beyond words. I think God wraps us in a coccoon in order that we can actually survive hard news like this. I am not sure when the fog will lift, but today, there have been slivers of light penetrating the fog, where a little bit of FIGHT in me peeks out. It is quickly obliterated by waves of fear and sadness, but at least for a few minutes at a time, I feel I may someday reach acceptance. If I don't get there, I can't fight, and as my brother Chris told me, I have to fight for all those who love me, and he is right.
My niece Rachel tells me that God has not stopped writing the story of my life and that I should stop grabbing the pen out of His hand. I've been doing that alot lately. My niece Anna, who works in oncology, says that a cancer diagnosis is like getting dropped into the land of OZ. You have NO idea where you are, where to go, how to go, who to follow or trust......oh, how right that is. I am in OZ. And oh, yes, how I wish I could wake up at the end of the journey and see that this was all a bad dream.
But my God does not make mistakes. And I need to pull strength out of my wounded soul and stop longing for my future, and choose to do whatever I can to fight. I need to believe that miracles can happen and healing can happen. Neither may happen, but if I don't try, I will not be giving God a chance to show Himself through me.
Your prayers have allowed Dick and me to survive the past 2 days. Nothing less. God is so good. We are still standing. Continue to pray that I could get food down and have an appetite, and that we make the right decisions about treatment, and that whatever FIGHT I have inside of me will emerge soon through the fog.