I have cancer. The word, 4 days later, still leaves a haunting, noxious taste on my lips. Feels heavy, foreign.
But so it is. I have lung cancer. Blindsided by it. And the new normal that is now my life has begun. We are not sure how to travel this new and fearful road, but we have been placed on it.
When your world is rocked apart, there is nothing the same about life. Things that seemed so important 5 days ago are laughable, things that seemed worthy of discussion feel trite.
I know this and this only to be true. My God was not taken by surprise. He is as faithful to me today as he was 5 days ago. He knew this would be one of the life journeys I would be on, and we walk it with His arms around us. He has revealed His grace and His love and His utter faithfulness through my life's trials and heartaches, and I know He is carrying me-----us----right now. While in this first stage of grief, my emotions are clouded and my words are wavering, I know God to be changeless and unaffected by how I am "feeling." And I know when the final chapter of my story is written, whether I live through cancer or die from cancer, I want my Savior to be glorified. I will praise him in this storm, because there will be treasures in this darkness that I do not want to miss. I intend to find them.
* My former physician covered me with support last night, and suggested an oncologist, whom I was fortunate enough to get an appointment with tomorrow. She will never know how much that meant.
* I was able to eat more food today. Stress obliterates my appetite, and I have not eaten much in 4 days.
* By tomorrow, I should have a PET scan scheduled. The next crucial step in determining if my cancer has spread
* My amazing supportive family. I could never find words to describe their love and support.
*That the PET scan could be scheduled as soon as possible.....that I might like this oncologist.......that I could continue to eat and not lose weight......that D and I could give our son's last week at home some degree of normalcy, and that he would be able
to flourish at college despite the ache in his heart over me.