Monday, August 16, 2010


I have cancer. The word, 4 days later, still leaves a haunting, noxious taste on my lips. Feels heavy, foreign.

But so it is. I have lung cancer. Blindsided by it. And the new normal that is now my life has begun. We are not sure how to travel this new and fearful road, but we have been placed on it.

When your world is rocked apart, there is nothing the same about life. Things that seemed so important 5 days ago are laughable, things that seemed worthy of discussion feel trite.

I know this and this only to be true. My God was not taken by surprise. He is as faithful to me today as he was 5 days ago. He knew this would be one of the life journeys I would be on, and we walk it with His arms around us. He has revealed His grace and His love and His utter faithfulness through my life's trials and heartaches, and I know He is carrying me-----us----right now. While in this first stage of grief, my emotions are clouded and my words are wavering, I know God to be changeless and unaffected by how I am "feeling."  And I know when the final chapter of my story is written, whether I live through cancer or die from cancer, I want my Savior to be glorified. I will praise him in this storm, because there will be treasures in this darkness that I do not want to miss. I intend to find them.


* My former physician covered me with support last night, and suggested an oncologist, whom I was fortunate enough to get an appointment with tomorrow. She will never know how much that meant.

* I was able to eat more food today. Stress obliterates my appetite, and I have not eaten much in 4 days.

* By tomorrow, I should have a PET scan scheduled. The next crucial step in determining if my cancer has spread

* My amazing supportive family. I could never find words to describe their love and support.


*That the PET scan could be scheduled as soon as possible.....that I might like this oncologist.......that I could continue to eat and not lose weight......that D and I could give our son's last week at home some degree of normalcy, and that he would be able
to flourish at college despite the ache in his heart over me.


Pipsylou said...

You are never far from my mind, my heart. A day at a time. That's all any of us can do, right? A day at a time, an hour, a minute, a step.

I will be reminding you of this, often.

Remember...D and S will be OK. You've spent many years pouring yourself into their lives; let them take care of you. Tell that guilt to go away when it surfaces. I know it will, because I know you well.

I love you!

Susan said...

Hey Mary

Nancy said...

Thank you for writing this. I know my brothers and sisters are following. I recall this dark period with cancer; Anna's description of being dropped into OZ is true. Soon you will have a plan. The dark thoughts won't haunt you so much then as you begin to put one foot in front of the other.. Right now you need to strengthen that body of yours for whatever treatment lies ahead. GIve the project ahead its best shot of working. Planning your next meal is the best thing you can do!
I am so grateful for your awareness of God in your life..... Rachael is right about God's pen.