Waiting. And more waiting. And trying to dodge the negative images that attempt to have their way in my mind. Waiting in a home far too quiet and empty of teenage-boyhood magnifies the waves of fear that wash over me. I so realize today that I am still very much in the first stage of grief here. Having taught death/dying/grief for over 30 years, I have a fair intellectual knowledge of the process. But when you are thrust inside of it, any perspective about it is gone. This first stage of numbness and shock is still very alive. I have cried a pond full of tears, with a seemingly endless amount in storage ready to burst forth at any moment.
I long for a sense of peace again, even if it means peace about the worst report. I need to grab hold of the faith that I know I have inside of me and FEEL it. But I know that that does not appear easily to most people in these first days, and it is true for me.
Tomorrow we will hear test results.
In the 1950's, I believe, there were several well-known missionaries killed in Africa, one of them being Jim Eliot, another Nate Saint. Nate's son Steve not only survived his father's death, but later, the very sudden and tragic death of his teenage daughter. His words about his daughter's death are haunting me today. It is the place I need to get to....the emotional place that I seek to embrace.
If God is all powerful and all knowing, none of this is happening without His knowledge and permission. This had to tbe the part of the story God was writing with our lives. It was an excruciating chapter in our story, but I suddenly found I believed that this terrible trauma would eventaully and mysteriously prove to be a cornerstone of God's plan for our lives. If I asked God to change things and He gave in to me, how would my change alter the rest of the plan? I did not want to ask God for what I desperately wanted in the short run, only to find it had cost us what God wanted for us in the long run........and ask Him to give us the courage to accept it until we see why He wanted it this way.
I am praying tonight that I can accept with grace what God wants for my life in the long run, no matter how painful that may be.