By tomorrow night, I am quite certain that I will be so full of radioactive dye that I would set off any metal detector in any airport in the world. I made it through the brain scan, and am so relieved. I had high anxiety going in, knowing I had to be in a steel "helmet," and with my only phobia being enclosed spaces, I really worried. A huge blessing was that it was a sit-down machine and my body was not enclosed in the front, so they leaned me back, put on HGTV, and went at it. Tomorrow we do step 4.....the PET scan....she said to expect about 2 1/2 hours on that one.
On the drive home, I had an epiphany moment. I said to D, "You know, I have been dreading our new empty nest, knowing how much I will miss S and wondering how to find my "new identity" now that I am not going to be a full-time mother anymore. But today, I would give everything to know that I will HAVE that empty nest. I just want to live to relish sitting in that nest!!" So many perspectives changes. So many.
Last spring I bought Randy Alcorn's new, thick, profound book called IF GOD IS GOOD: FAITH IN THE MIDST OF SUFFERING. Why was I so drawn to it? I got halfway through it this summer, but picked it up again last night. And I stopped and read this paragraph 3 times.
God uses suffering to purge sin from our lives, strengthen our commitment to him, force us to depend on his grace, bind us together with other believers, produce discernment, foster sensitivity, discipline our minds, impart wisdom, stretch our hope, cause us to know Christ better, make us long for truth, lead us to repentance, teach us to give thanks in times of sorrow, increase our faith, and strengthen our character. And once he accomplishes such great things, often we can see that our suffering has been worth it.
I don't believe God formed this tumor and shoved it inside my lung, but clearly he allowed it to be born and grow. And if this is what He needs to use to produce any or all of the above......all of which I need to be strengthened in.....then He is getting my attention.
Lord, help me not to waste any of this pain and fear. Use it to refine me, draw me and others to yourself, and let it all be for your glory.