Monday, September 6, 2010


It has been a difficult couple of days. Fear and panic and anxiety found their paths back into my head and heart and it makes for hellish living. I become fatalistic and cry and feel no hope, all of which, of course, Satan wants me to feel.

My niece stopped in Vermillion yesterday for a couple hours and talking with her was so beneficial. She showed me that I am fighting anxiety and fear as much as cancer. And I knew that I had to do something about it. Easier said than done, obviously. But I spent a few hours reading about the importance of being "empty" before the Lord, about resting in him, allowing Him to rest in me, about being sheltered under His wings. My mom's words from the Psalms echo always in my head, "Be still and know that I am God." I have needed to be still, and haven't. I have filled myself with utter panic.

D taught me to do slow abdominal breathing last night and today I have been praying for stillness, asking God to fill me so completely with Himself that anxiety and fear and confusion and hopelessness cannot find a place to perch. It will now be my constant prayer. I need peace more than I need anything else. Peace that surpasses all understanding, peace that only Jesus can give me. Peace that covers us no matter what is ahead. I can say that today was a better day than the past two.

We were so blessed by friends Sandy and Gary who walked into our house on Saturday with a box full of food for our freezer. Sandy took a vacation day, no less, to stay home and cook. They put in main dishes and breads and soups and sandwiches and muffin batter.... it brings me to tears thinking about their selfless generosity. Talk about being Jesus's hands and feet in the world. We already know how much this will mean on days after treatment when cooking is the last thing we would want to do.

Blessed by friend Julie who came with hugs and bread and prayers and tears and told me that she is mobilizing a couple of mighty prayer warriors from her church to come with herself and pray with me weekly. I am so moved by her desire to do this for me.

We are hoping for test results this week so that a treatment decision can be made. It has felt like so much wasted time letting these tumors grow.

Please pray for peace for both D and me. Please pray for S at school, that his heart and mind are guarded from worry.

1 comment:

Ann said...

Dear Mary
You have been in my heart since my Nancy told me the sad and scary news of your cancer. While I can't pretend to know what a cancer diagnosis feels like, I do know the gripping agony of anxiety and fear. "Be still and know that you are God" has given me perspective in ways I could not have fathomed. May it continue to be a profound healing experience in your life, as you navigate these waters. Your writings here are very special -- especially to read of your enduring love for your family -- the whole tribe. I send all my love to you and your family,
Your cousin Ann(ie), from California