Of all the 9 tests/scans/MRI's I have had, the bone biopsy yesterday has been the hardest, as it has really been painful. They said it could be so for up to 2 weeks. I am limping and am using crutches at times. I had pulled some muscles in that leg a few days before the biopsy which are still not healed up, so it adds insult to injury. All for a .1% chance that this is not cancer in the pelvis. We won't have results til next week.
They accidentally "overdosed" me on pain meds. Having been given Demerol during the biopsy, they gave me 2 Darvocet before I left for home. I said, "I'll just take one," (I should have explained my uber-sensitivity to drugs) but they told me to take both. By the time we got home (1/2 hour), I was slurring my words and could not walk and D had to hold me up to get me in the house. He laid me on the sofa and I was OUT for the next 4 hours.
My mind starts moving forward in fear about side effects of treatment when I let it. It is so hard to capture my thoughts and corral them in a place of peace and positivity. Some hours are better than others. It is a constant battle to do positive self-talk. I try. I try. I choose recovery. I choose life.
What is hardest for me to understand is that I cannot read books (other than cancer stuff). I must read near 90-100 books a year. I am addicted to reading. But I cannot get my head into ANYTHING. I have 3 new books sitting here, all I have wanted to read for a long time, and I can't move beyond a couple paragraphs. It would be such a wonderful outlet for my thoughts, but it isn't there. I hope it returns someday.
Please pray for the ability to trust COMPLETELY and UNRESERVEDLY in God's leading right now. 4 weeks ago, D and I had our "future" all planned out.....we had an amazing "5 year plan." Now I see this blank in front of me and that is so hard. I need to believe and trust that the future my Lord has planned for me is good, though I cannot plan it or see it or feel it. The rubber of faith meets the road. Right here. Right now. Trust or not.