I looked at my husband last night on the sofa taking a catnap, his five-o'clock-shadowed face, a face my fingers know by heart, serene on the tan pillow. I look at him and know the emotional toll my illness has taken on him. Those first few weeks, we just clung to each other, tears mingling, as we tried to simply breathe, and then put one foot in front of the other until the word "cancer" did not place us in a black vacuum. You can think you love someone with all your heart, and then you realize that the next layer of love never shows itself until there is danger of it being taken away.
D has felt every drop of panic, every stream of sorrow and every wave of fear that has washed over me. It would be impossible to know where his feelings end and mine begin. And yet, he has been next to me, every minute of every test, every minute of every meltdown, without fail. There was never a question if he would be there. There was never a doubt. He lives inside of this new road we walk together.
And now, he stands with me in unwavering faith that our great God and Savior Jesus Christ will heal me. He daily upholds me in prayer, rebukes satan's attempt to steer us into the land of doubt, and fervently prays with me as we take my as well as others' concerns to the Lord.
I knew I had married a man of great gentleness and integrity 26 years ago. I knew I had married a man who would love me through every season of life. But it is when the unthinkable happens that I have realized beyond a doubt that when God made my precious husband, He was thinking about me and how much I would need him decades later.
Our 27th anniversary is on October 1. Though our circumstances right now are very difficult, what will make that day a happy one is knowing.....always knowing.....that D would choose me again. Every time.