I will exalt you, oh Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths. You brought me up from the grave. Psalm 30:1,3
In His infinite mercy, God has reached down and taken us out of the depths of
despair and has placed us at the edge of the mountain. We will attempt now
to take baby steps upward, with HOPE in our spirits.Three things have
happened that have helped lift the heavy cloud around us.
One, so many people have been praying for us to find our way out of the tunnel......all those prayers have NOT been in vain.....they are being answered hourly as we live hour to hour right now. Thanks are inadequate for all the prayers. Two, our niece Rachel sent us a book on cancer that is the first piece of literature we literally have been able to pick up and read without a first page chart of survivability stats (which sent us emotionally plummeting each time). She says she "has her sources," but heard it was an essential. It has been. Filled with how survivors survive, filled with wellness and hope. We are devouring it.
Three, an email from my childhood best friend. We have not seen each other in over 25 years, but she is the girl I played Barbies with, the girl I learned about menstruation with, the girl who had crushes on 6th grade boys with me, the girl I had sleepovers with....who knew my every thought and dream. Distance has kept us apart, but here was this email from her, telling me amazing survival stories about her husband and niece, both who lived 10 years after a metastatic cancer diagnosis because they chose to keep living and keep planning and keep believing. Her message reminding me of my strength and courage (which I do not feel) was so timely. She reminded me that of faith, hope, and love.....what you need to walk this journey......the only temporarily missing piece is the hope. Patty made me realize that I need to find that component of my spirit. (Patty, I tried calling you last night, but you weren't home...I'll try again)
And so.....my sweet husband and I knelt down, held hands and claimed as our new direction, Deuteronomy 30:19. Moses was at the edge of the promised land, reviewing with his people, who had been wandering for 40 years, how faithful God had been to them, and held out before them this new future that was uncertain. He would not go with them into the promised land. And toward the end of Moses' series of lessons, he holds out to them what I really felt God was holding out to me. A choice.
"I have set before you life and death. Choose life, that you and your children may live, and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and He will give you many years in the land promised." Together, D and I prayed that verse and intend to hold fast to its message. We choose life, for as long as that is.
We know that the Lord may choose the other outcome for me. And my lachrymal system has been depleted because of that reality, for there is so much more living I desire in this life. But if we do all we can do on our side, and leave the rest up to God, then it is OK. We cannot park our souls in the garage of hopelessness any more. We worship a God of hope.
On the medical front, I met with a radiation oncologist today. As if my body hasn't had enough assault, he wants a bone biopsy done tomorrow. All of the radiologists have confirmed the cancer to the hip, and he believes it is 99% accurate. But because the bone looks a bit more sclerotic on the scans, which it probably shouldn't, he says there is a 1% chance that it is something else. So I need to endure a bone biopsy for a 1% chance. You know, I could ask you all to pray that somehow, God would miraculously make that 1% factor true, and miracles happen, but I am not going to read alot into this. He is just being hyper-careful so that he does not radiate something that has a 1% chance of being non-cancerous.
So the waiting game begins yet again. I don't know if I will know results by Friday, but I will update when we know.
My niece Annie sent me ruby slippers...Truly! (red sparkly flats). They are to
help me find my way around "OZ" and remind me that "you have strength you haven't
even imagined right inside of you, just like Dorothy...home was always right there...
and so are we." The baby girl I used to claim was mine, reminding me that the time I
have can be great time, filled with blessings and opportunities and love. Thank you, sweetie, for the truth.
Kate, my made-in-love-by-you Love Bird is so precious. If I close my eyes, I can almost smell Hendy's sweet baby scent on it, and every time I hold it I feel wrapped in your arms. Thank you for love on a crochet hook.
Please continue to pray that since we are finally on the edge of the grave, we could take steps forward and not backward. That is what we need right now. Forward steps. Thank you all for your faithfulness to us.
PS. Lee, you are NOT getting out of our summer pact to memorize Psalm 30. I'm almost there, girl. You better get hoppin'..........of all the psalms that we could have chosen, isn't it totally eerie that we picked THAT one, which would have so much meaning to me....